The Beast Within

It's very sad when you feel unsure about your own house. 

It is, at times, discouraging and concerning to know that you do not have free will to move about on your own.

It is awful to have to live in fear, not knowing what awaits you around each and every turn.

I often lie awake at night, afraid to move.  Afraid to turn on the TV.  Afraid to get up and go to the bathroom (which happens far too often overnight these days) or to simply move just enough to have a sip of water by my bedside.

I think the overnight fears have actually gotten worse in the summer.  As the heat of the day drifts and my house settles making the loud thumping and occasional cracking noises I might regain a hint of consciousness.  In the winter, some of those noises are still there, but most of the activity happens during the day when I am not around.  Also in the winter it is too chilly at night, but during the summer, overnight is the only time cool enough for the beast to play.

Have I told you I have a dog?  Well, I do, and she loves me!

She loves me almost more than I ever cared to be loved.  She seems to worship me at times and her level of devotion is unmatched!  She shows her affection by being ever ready for me to pet her or play tug of war with her, or by always being there for me to rub her belly, or throw a ball, or let her lay on my chest (whether I truly let her or not), or to let her try to climb on my lap because everyone needs a 55 pound lap dog, or to give her a treat, or to open the door for her not so she can go out but just so she can look over her dominion that is the backyard at any time in a given 24 hour period, or.....  Love and Devotion.  Ugh!

So there I am in the middle of the night.  Laying in bed at 1:47 wide awake.  It would be nice to get up and go to the bathroom and have a sip of water.  That always puts me right back to sleep. But I cannot. The beast of adoration will find me.

As a child, whenever I would wake up in the middle of the night and opt to risk an attack by the bogeyman in an effort to see my mother one last time, I would walk right up to her side of the bed and just stand there. 

Within seconds, she would open her eyes and say: "What's wrong?"
"I can't sleep" I would answer as I trembled.
"Go to the bathroom and when your done, have a sip of water" she would mumble wisely, half asleep.
"Ok"

And like a mindless zombie, I would do what she said and BY GOD IT WORKED!!!

To this very day, I am unable to get back to sleep most nights unless I go through this procedure.  This has been going on for probably 39 years of my life!  We do not need to discuss how I handled it for the years before that.

Back then, the only dog we had was a little rat like thing that slept under my parents covers and wanted nothing do with me.  If I got up in the middle of the night back then, she just ignored me and hid further under the covers. 

Now if I get up its "WHOO HOOO, ZIPPIDEEDODAH, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW!?!?!?!?"  That's of course what the dog is saying.  I'm saying more of a "murbleglahburundle, harumph, no!"

I love my dog greatly and I am blessed to have her in my life.  She does help me feel like I am not a terrible person.  But, DAMN.  Sometimes, I am sad to say that I would just like to sleep. I do not want to pet her, or play, or stop at the pantry door for a treat as I am walking by, or... you get it.

So, when I wake up and lie in bed, I cannot move.  If I lift my head, just to look at the clock, I'll hear the heavy breathing coming towards me.  No matter what room of the house she is in, if I move, she will come to check and make sure I wasn't getting ready to throw a squeaky toy at 2:16 am.

Sometimes I imagine I am like a coma patient laying in a hospital bed.  I open my eyes for just a second, it's the first time in years, and then the family member who is waiting in vigil watching for some sign of life sees this and says quite loudly, "Nurse, he blinked!  I'm going to climb on his chest and breath as hard as I can right in his face."  And the nurse just says in reply, "yup, that's what we recommend here!"

Maybe this is how people who aren't morning people, and need their coffee before they can be the slightest bit joyful about anything, feel when they wake up next to me.

Hmmmmm.... I know that I'll miss my dog having that much excitement and energy one day, but at 1:47 am, I have a hard time believing that.