I slit a sheet. A sheet I slit. Upon the slitted sheet's A WITCH!!!

I tried to fold a fitted sheet last night, "tried" being the key word here.

I cannot fold a fitted sheet.  
It is a humiliating and time consuming experience for me.  
There are so many things that I have the intellectual and physical capacity to do, but fitted sheets may be my greatest nemesis.

It's those damned corners I think.  I can fold a regular sheet like a pro.  I can grab two corners, pinch them together with my right hand, slide my left hand down the edges of the sheet, find the other two corners, pinch them together, and that's all the fight in that sheet.  After that, it's smooth sailing.

Seriously, a normal sheet looks perfect when I'm finished with it.  It is a smooth rectangley thing of beauty!  I can do this with a standard, full, queen and even king, no problem.  Bring on a California King sheet!  I'll fold it like a champ!

I can only assume that somewhere back in "the day" when the bed was invented, someone else had invented the sheets.  The sheets guy was sleeping all snug and warm, but on hard surfaces and the bed guy (obviously named "Matthew Ress") was on a cozy surface that fit his body more comfortably, but he got cold at night, every night, even in the summer.

Since these were the days before the Internet and even phone, these two guys probably wandered the streets of their town until they happened to run into each other.  And much like the peanut butter and chocolate guys who invented the peanut butter cup, the rest, my friends, is history!

However, I'm sure the original sheet guy simply put a sheet on top of the bed and then tucked the loose edges under.  But some yahoo came along and just had to make it better and invented the "fitted sheet."  I'm sure it's production name was "the sheet that stays put and doesn't come untucked from under the bed every night" which was eventually shortened, obviously.

Well, what that jackass never considered was how terribly difficult that sheet is to fold!!!

It is not possible for me to fold a fitted sheet that looks as good as a regular sheet.  I cannot do it. In fact, as gross as the visual may be, whenever I try to fold a fitted sheet, I swear it looks like one of those baby Mammoths you always see being dug up in the news by hungry scientists.

I give you the horrible visual of what is in my hall closet!

In all seriousness,  why can't you ever hear about one of those things being dug up without hearing about  how they taste?

I have tried about every way I know to fold a fitted sheet and have them come out right and I fail each and every time.  I'm to the point now where when I buy one, I feel I should never open it up.  I should just put it on my mantle as if it were prize game that will never look any where near as pristine as it does right now!

I have come to the belief that the only people who can properly fold a fitted sheet are, in fact, witches!  I'm serious.  When you think about it, hotels weren't so popular and/ or common back in the day of all the witch burnings.  What, you think it's a mere coincidence that once burning witches fell out of style hotel franchises started to flourish?

How about this one, "Ramada" (as in the Inn) is Spanish for a shelter made of tree branches.  And what else are tree branches good for?   BURNING WITCHES!!!!

This years Hotel Cleaning Staff Employees of the Months.

But it turns out that it's bad for business when you can't maintain a work force to run said business because you have to burn your staff to the stake every time they perform a job well done!  No pun intended... well, no, actually, now that I re-read that, burning your "staff to the stake" and "well done" has kinda got me chuckling.

Ahem... (very sternly) folding a fitted sheet is no laughing matter... it's a complete pain in the ass!

Should you ever visit my house, the "elephant in the room" is most likely just a fitted sheet I need to put away.

Glad this didn't happen to me! I'd be nuts by now!!!

Purely hypothetical...

Imagine it's a Friday afternoon and you're just sitting at your desk at work trying to crunch some numbers.  It's not the best way to spend a Friday, but, let's face it, working Monday through Friday is one of the best ways to afford spending your weekend!

Suddenly you hear the mystical "Blrlrlrlrling!" That annoying sound that tells you you've just received an e-mail.  You go to open said e-mail and realize that it is in fact a calendar appointment message type thingy typically sent to you by a supervisor to notify you, and automatically update your calendar, about a meeting you are expected to attend.  The C.A.M.T.T. (calendar appointment message type thingy) is for a staff meeting at the corporate office (750+ miles away) on the following Wednesday.

You slyly reply to the sender, who is in fact most likely the head of your department for the company, "Hey, I think this appointment was sent to me accidentally.  Or am I really supposed to be up there by next Wednesday?  LOL!"  About 15 minutes later you hear that same obnoxious e-mail noise that says you just got another email and so you read the email. It simply says "I think so."

WHAAAAAAA?!?!?!?!

Within seconds, the person playing the part of "The Boss (not to be confused with Bruce Springsteen)" in your workplace walks into your office and says "How ya' doing?"  To which you reply, "Do you know if I'm supposed to be at corporate by Wednesday?"  Dumbfounded, the person looks back at you and says "I think I'm supposed to be there in a few weeks.  I didn't know about you.  I'll look into it and let you know more as soon as I do."

Then you finish out your Friday at work and go home to have a weekend not knowing anything about your week to come.

Sunday morning at 8:30 you think to yourself, "hmmmmm... I wonder if...." and then you decide to check your work e-mail from home.  You see it!  An e-mail sent at roughly 5 am, from the person from your office and it basically says "Yup, it looks like we're both headed up and we're going to leave Tuesday AM.  By the way, if we do it, we're driving.  I'll know for sure Monday!"

WHAAAAAAA?!?!?!?!?!

Sooooo, the first thing you do is message your ex-spouse to arrange for your child for the week.  Of course, the ex is most likely not buying the whole "I may or may not be going to such and such a place at such and such a time" as it sounds ridiculous, but it's what you have to do!  So you feel like a lunatic dealing with that.

Other than that, all you can do on Sunday is pack.  At which point you realize you need to do a load of laundry and you need to take a lot of shirts to the cleaners (because, you're lazy and bad at ironing).   So you do that load of laundry and put your shirts for the cleaners in a big pile in your living room.  The Dog is so stoked thinking "NEW BED!!!"

The rest is up to Monday.

So Monday morning, you drop your child off at school and then rush to the cleaners and drop off clothes.  You verify with the cleaner "I need all of this back TONIGHT!!! Can I get them back TONIGHT?!?!?!"  He calmly responds "si."

Okay... Laundry... CHECK!

Then you rush to work and the person you think is your boss greets you at the door.  "We're definitely driving up tomorrow!"

Now comes the storm of things to do!

Schedule some space so you can kennel the Dog- CHECK!
Schedule a haircut for this afternoon- CHECK!
Cancel the people coming to work at your house this week- CHECK
Confirm with the ex- CHECK!
Cancel a personal appointment- CHECK!
Cancel a date- CHECK!
Rescheduled a client- CHECK!
Notify everyone who reads your blog that you're not going to be around for the week- CHECK!
Notify every living family member and anyone you cross paths with that you will be out of town this week- CHECK!
Spend the first three hours of your, workday that aren't dedicated to your checklist, doing actual work- CHECK!
Rush out early to have a rare Monday lunch with your child because you will absolutely not see them again this week after today- CHECK!

ANYTHING ELSE THAT COMES TO MIND!!!! - check

At lunch your child is very sad because you'll be gone all week and they will miss you.  You are touched and equally sad but you explain to your child "I'm sorry honey, it's just what I have to do!" and all you can hear in your head is the song "Cats in The Cradle!"  DAMMIT!!!

Then you rush back to work to tie up any loose ends.

You walk in the door and you hear these words emanate from the mouth of the boss-type person: "Hey, why are you going to corporate again?"

You simply reply, "Well, I got that e-mail from corporate and then talked to you about it and...."  As if you need to review it all with the only person who understands.

To which he basically replies by informing you that his boss thinks it's a great idea for you to come up to corporate but doesn't know why you would.  As he continues to speak at you, and your jaw seems to be falling further and further away from your head, the words coming out of his face linger on and smack you in the face as if he were an Englishman dancing in front of you with a Mackerel in his hands.  Eventually he finishes it all off with "And soooo you're not going..." But he is.

You're not upset to not be going, however, you now have to un-check EVERYTHING you previously checked off!!!!  But alas, some things are not "un-checkable."

UUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!!!!

Glad that didn't happen to me... twenty-four hours ago....

I'll only take just what I need to get there!

This past weekend I had to do some work out of town.  I worked a little over 330 miles from home and ended up driving 472 miles total within a 24 hour period.  Do your own math.

It was great being on the road.
It was just me.
One guy.
On the big highway.
With nothing to guide him but the stars (and a GPS).
And no one could reach me until I got to my destination... unless of course they called me on my cell phone.
But no one called.
No.
Everyone who knew I was on the road opted to text me instead.
Like they want me to die? Granted, everyone who texted me was irritated that I did not respond until I got off the road. Seems ironic.

Anyway... how was I ever able to make a road trip without a cell phone?

In 1995 I drove up the East Coast to visit a friend in D.C. and to look for a job.  This was the longest road trip I had ever made solo up until that point in my life.  It was over an 8 hour drive.  I managed to survive, I saw the friend and I was offered a position which I turned down (in hindsight, turning that offer down was kinda stupid but that is another one of those "different story" situations).

But most importantly (no disrespect to the friend) I was able to make a trip that long without constant contact with the people I know all over the world and without a map telling me where to turn.  Seriously, I didn't even have a map.  I actually called my friend before I left my house and asked for "directions!"  It was something like "So, yeah, after you drive 500 miles on the interstate, get off at this exit.  Take a left on this road and a right on that road and.... so we'll see you whenever you show up!"

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?  How did we ever survive as a species if that was the only way we could travel?  Surely, the Donner Party had a map?  Granted, we know for a fact that they had a cookbook, but I'm going to assume they had a map?

I don't even want to think about how people traveled before maps were invented...  If I'd been Christopher Columbus, we'd be kind of screwed to this very day.

"CHRISTOPHER? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL HERE?  YOUR BOATS, THEY ARE OUTSIDE LOADED AND READY TO GO!?!?!?!"
"I'm just waiting for a map.  I'll get right on that pronto... just waitin for that map."

Yeah, crazy right?   I can only assume he had a good CD player on his boats to keep everyone thoroughly entertained?

HAH.. "CD Player"  I have one, but I was recently introduced to the joys of Bluetooth and Pandora radio for my cell phone and car stereo.  Sadly, I was unaware for some time that I could "connect" my phone to my stereo.  Apparently magical spirits make one of those ant bridges from my phone to my stereo and now I can talk to people INSIDE MY STEREO and listen to music FROM MY PHONE!!!  Okay, so I'm kidding... the people aren't in my stereo.  They're invisible (like the magical ant bridge spirits) and on the other side of the stereo... I assume...

 

How my stereo works.

In fact, it wasn't until two days ago that I actually played a CD in my car.  My child wanted to listen to my Missing Persons Greatest Hits CD.  She is fascinated that she can hold the actual case the music comes in.  She's so low-tech!

I've listened to CDs in my truck before, as I've had the thing for many years, but my stereo broke and I got  a new one about a year ago.  I paid extra for the magical spirits.

So, I listen to my music on my stereo from my phone.  And when people call me (which they didn't) I talk to them through my stereo.  Seems legit.

Now on top of that, I can call up a GPS on my phone and it will talk to me through my stereo and tell me when and where I turn.  Of course, I have an iPhone, so the map sucks.  I also have a GPS that I connect to my windshield (I'm so old fashioned I know).  So I connected that GPS and let it battle it out with the phone GPS.  Oh they did NOT agree a lot.  I opted to trust my window mounted GPS when my phone told me "In six miles take exit 194" just as I was passing exit 194.

For added GPS entertainment, I raced my GPS.  I hope I'm not the only one who does that?  You know, you set your GPS to take you where you want to go and it says you will arrive at your final destination by 11:29 and then you spend the next 236 miles trying to beat that time while not speeding (excessively).  I managed to beat mine, this time, and I arrived at my final destination at 11:22.  BOO... YAHHH!!!!

I was very grateful for Pandora occupying my mind.  It is, quite sadly, much better than radio.  I appreciate the FM but fear it may soon be gone.  I can remember being a kid in Chicago riding a few hours down the road with my Dad and we would listen to one channel the whole trip.  That one channel would changes stations six or seven times it seemed like.  You might be listening to 780 (AM was bigger in the 70s) which is a rock and roll station in one town but as soon as you pass into another town, some country station owns that channel and BOOM you're listening to country.  This would go on and on, "town to town, up and down the dial..." and you were never allowed to change the channel, because, DAD SET IT ON THAT CHANNEL!!!!

So I had my Pandora set to one channel and that channel was "80's Alternative."  AWESOME!!!  It's choc-ful-o 80's variety and it never goes staticy and it never changes.  I must admit that I was unaware how popular the "clap track" was in music back in the 80's.  It was seconded only by the "snap track."

There were some very serious Clap and Snap artists in the 80's I should tell you (I refuse to believe it was synthesized; not in the 80s) and some of these artists have better won Grammys!  I think the greatest Snap Clap homage had to be Queens' and David Bowies' "Under Pressure!"  What a Snap Clap Trap work of art!!!

I had a lot of time to think about all of this on the road.

I do have to say, that I think I've lost the pioneering spirit I once had.  The cell phone and GPS have become a security blanket and a blessing, but damn, there's not always a whole lot of fun in that!

One Way Or Another.... music will recycle itself.

There will always be "Boy Bands" as there have been for as long as I can recall.  Of course, now they are somewhat manufactured at some record label chop shop these days, but I don't see them ever going away.

When I was a kid there were two groups that I remember clearly, but they were both made of family and the occasional sister (on the down low).  Yes, one was the Jackson 5 and the other was the Osmonds.  Both eventually fell apart most likely because the youngest son seemed to be the most adored.  It was very sad... for the other brothers.  I always thought a "Wrastlin' Grudge Match" between the Non-Donny Osmonds and the Non-Michael Jacksons would have turned out to be AWESOME.  I'd have paid good money for that!

After a while, I think the labels opted to steer clear of family bands and just put together a bunch of androgynous waif boys with bad attitudes!  And then Donny Walberg sacrificed his career to save his brother Mark.

Anyway, there will always be boy bands.

My child is in love with One Direction.  That is wonderful for her to have such an interest in music.  I think music is a very important aspect of any child's expression and creative being.  You have to start somewhere... why not start with a boy band?

Honestly I must say that that one song of theirs where they say "You don't know you're beautiful... and that's what makes you beautiful" is really true and actually deep.  Seriously, I once told a girlfriend "You are SOOOO beautiful" and her response was "I know... you get used to hearing that." I should have run right then and there.... I did not... aaaaaaand a different story...

Anyway, so these guys probably had no idea what they were singing when they belted out those lines that I am going to assume somebody else wrote for them, but that's not their fault.  It's a touching song.  Besides, my kid loves it and it's not an angry song.  So in my book, it's not bad!

Then yesterday she was walking around the house singing another song by "1D" (I'm so damn hip). 

"One way or another,
I'm gonna find you
I'm gonna gitcha gitcha gitcha..."
And so on....

"Honey, where'd you hear that?  I love that song!"
"Oh it's the new One Direction song."

Then I actually got a little upset and I don't know if I did something wrong or right afterwards, but I like to think I did right.

See, I am, in essence, a boy, and growing up I had boy role models in music (like Kiss, Twisted Sister, Motley Crue, Boy George, Metallica, Rachmaninoff, The Beatles....).  I also managed to perform a lot of music growing up and feel that the emotions I was able to express in song greatly helped me avoid going insane in my teens.

I want my daughter to be able to express herself creatively.  Also, I want her have girl role models.  And I do NOT want them to be MODELS!!!  So, I turned on the TV and went to You Tube to show her something.

It's not One Direction's fault (again) that they are covering a song from my youth.  They've done nothing wrong.  But, I wanted my daughter to see the original artist.  I needed her to know...

"Baby, look at this!"  And on our screen was the Blondie music video for One Way or Another. 

The child froze. 

"Who is that... why is she singing this song?"  There was Deborah Harry singing 1Ds song!

Sure, she's heard women sing and yes some of them are acceptable role models, but if they aren't Lady Gag or Niki Minotaur or that Justine Beaver girl, they're either in their underwear trying to look all super modely or they're Adelle or Taylor Swift breaking up with someone....

I needed my child to see someone just rocking out, from my day.  I needed her to know how much I enjoyed these artists as well and looked up to them (unless we're talking Samantha Fox or Lita Ford; I didn't look up to them as much as I looked AT them).

So we watched several Blondie videos and we saw Fab 5 Freddy.  At some point in our lives we must all see Fab 5 Freddy.  And then we moved on to the Missing Persons.  HOLY COW!

Okay, I loved the Missing Persons even though they were really a product of 80's synth-pop, make up and hairspray, but they had some rocking music!  I thank Joe's Garage for getting them together!

So, then we went on to watch several videos over and over.  My child LOVED seeing these bands made up of men, but fronted by a woman who could rock!!! 

Of course, in all of this, it all really broke down to me sharing a generation gap with my child.  Nothing has really changed in the music industry.  Music will always be one of the most influential forms of expression in my life.  And for most kids, I think it is a very significant outlet when coming of any age and creating a sense of self.  I'm just happy to share it with my child.

Sadly though, I think musicians may be running out of original ideas.  When a boy band has to cover a Deborah Harry song, well, it's just sad.

And on that note, I think I'll go listen to two of my favorite boy bands and two of their greatest original hits.  You know like Twisted Sister's "Leader of the Pack" and Kiss's "And Then She Kissed Me!  Granted, it's a shame some girl bands covered those two songs some twenty years before those guys could release them!

The Phantom Menace!!! Not the Star Wars one, but the "Over 40" one.

Maybe I've written about this before.  I'm almost certain that I've at least hinted to it before.  I really don't remember.

Actually, that's one of the "phantom" issues I'll be referencing in this post; forgetting things.

As a child, I bounced!  I don't mean in the whole "Choc-ful-o-energy" type bounciness that most kids have, but I did have that.  No, I'm referring to things I would do as a kid.  For example, when my friends and I would play this game on my bunk bed where we would take turns laying on my top bunk and rolling off over the side, falling to the ground.  That must've been a good five feet drop to the ground.  Now, we weren't nuts, we'd lay pillows on the ground and aim for them, but, quite often, we'd miss.

We'd bounce.  Then we'd get back up, brush it off and do it again.  This was the same for running around like lunatics and falling on our face.  We'd bounce and tumble, get back up and brush it off and go at it again.  Which was the same for any foolish thing we could think of.

Hell, we'd even practice having bike accidents.  We'd ride our bikes at full speed into a ramp or a wall or even over the "cliff" edge of a dirt mound and we would jump off at the last minute, y'know, so we would be more prepared to handle an accident for real.


So, I did these silly things quite often.  Sometimes they would hurt.  Sometimes they would not.  Regardless of pain or no pain, I would bounce back up and do it again! 

We were kids.
We were daring.
We were pretty convinced we were indestructible.

WE WERE STUPID!

So, I survived and I got smarter.  As a kid, I had no idea that stuff that hurt me could SERIOUSLY HURT ME!  But as a grown up, I came to realize that I needed to avoid doing such stupidity.

As I recall, the last time that I was overly stupid in an effort that led to me hurting myself must've been the first two times I sprained an ankle.  The first time I sprained an ankle was when I was in the lobby of my freshman dorm at college.  I was "a bit" intoxicated when I leaped over a couch.  I landed badly (but probably better than I should have) and managed to sprain my ankle.

The second sprain was stupid on a level of intentionally-crashing-my-bike-stupid!  About 6 or so weeks after my first ankle sprain, I was walking through the lobby of my freshman dorm at college.  I saw the couch.  A friend asked me how I sprained my ankle.  I was somewhat intoxicated (again) so I showed him.  I leaped over the same couch and sprained the other ankle.

CLASSIC ME!!!!

Since then, I have opted to not go out of my way for an injury.  And for a few decades, I was doing well.

Then, I hit 40!

When you hit forty bad things start to happen to you physically.  It's nothing traumatic. 
Just annoying. 
And irritating. 
And frustrating. 
And pathetic.

Yes, you forget things more frequently; like, where are your keys, did you turn the stove off, where are your sunglasses, have you blogged about this before....  simple stuff.  It's nothing drastic.

You may also develop Presbyopia which all you youngsters may recognize as old people holding something as far away from their face as possible in an effort to read it.  Old people may recognize this as when you realize how much you despise the young person who just asked you to read a label knowing damn well that you can't do it because your arm isn't long enough.

But you also get the "Phantom Pains (ergo the title)" that may occur from time to time.  For example, I once hurt my thumb running my fingers through my hair.  I don't know how.

I pulled my back out leaning on a bathroom counter while brushing my teeth and while shaving and once while trying to look at myself in a mirror.... any "leaning over" experience can lead to back strain.

I once sprained an ankle walking about ten feet across a room, on a flat surface, indoors, with absolutely no distractions....

I could go on.  Things just start to hurt and I've heard it gets worse.

At some point, it dawned on me that I may be making up for all of the things I did to myself as a kid from which I "bounced" back.  I am paying for the damage I did back then.  Seriously, I hurt a heel quite badly when I was four or five.  In the last year, right where my scar is on that heel, I have started having a daily shooting pain that feels like someone driving a spike into my heel.  It hurts like hell!!!

Some of my peers do not have the phantom injuries to the level of which I experience them, and some of them have it much worse.  I think I am somewhere in the middle.  So, as we get older, we start to avoid doing anything that may cause us to get hurt.  But you can't just stop doing everything.  You have to walk.  You have to sit.  You have to eat.  All three of those can be deadly activities but you still have to do them

So you take risks.

Well, two weeks ago I took a risk (everything before this line has been the introduction to the point of my story)!  I went for a bike ride.  I love riding bikes and quite often, regardless of the risk, I like to go out for hours long rides.

Anyway, I got home from work two Wednesdays ago and took my dog for a walk.  We walked for about 45 minutes and yes, I survived.  Then I ran into a woman and her family looking for their lost dog.  It was dark and it was cold.   I would hate it if my dog was lost, so, I jumped on my bike and went looking. 

As it was so late in the day and I was tired I was basically looking fate in the face and saying "BRING IT!!!" Just to let you know, I didn't find the dog, but they found it the next day.

I rode around for about 45 minutes and gave up.  I was beat.  I headed home.

I got within a block from home when I got a call on my cell phone.  It was my child and I did NOT want to miss that call!!!  I answered it.  Yes, I know that answering your phone while riding a bike is not wise in a whole "BRING IT FATE" type of way, but it's not hard to do as long as you aren't necessarily trying to stop your bike at the same time.

So, I turned it up a notch with fate and stopped my bike at the same time.

As if I were in some sort of comedy skit, I came to a complete stop, balanced for a second when I realized that with one hand on my bars and the other holding a phone to my ear, I could not get my foot off the pedal.  Before I could start pedaling, I simply fell to my right side and hit the ground.

I'm sure some witness would have thought I was doing this for some sort of Python-esque comedic effect in seeing me come to a complete stop, balance and then, without any fighting, fall helplessly over, all for a good laugh.

Nope, it was not for a laugh.  I landed on my right shoulder.  My helmet hit the ground but it protected my head as it should.  I skinned my right knee up pretty badly and I scraped my right elbow.  I also managed to get my left hand down in time to brace myself.  I had the wind knocked out of me and I could not feel my right arm for the first few moments after the accident.

I FELT LIKE A KID AGAIN!!!!!  Seriously, it was GREAT to not hurt myself doing something boring!  I was doing something fun and something damn near stupid at the same time and I got hurt, just the way nature had intended!  WHOO HOOO!!!!

As it turned out, I managed to sprain my left wrist and THAT is why I have been unable to type out my blog for the past week and a half.

And there you have my actual point!