Do you want butter or world domination with that?

I have said it before, and I will say it again (probably even in this post) that my biggest fear in parenting is that one little mistake a parent may make that turns their child into an international criminal master mind who desires to have "sharks with frickin' lasers on their heads" at his/ her disposal.

I made muffins for four kids for breakfast.

Three of them had a discussion that really got me thinking.  It wasn't a deep discussion, to me, but for them, it was intense.

It was the type of discussion among kids under the age of 12 that can lead to hand to hand combat or even really bad words like "stupid" or "dummy" or end, as this one did, with an intimidating "Shuh...."

Child A stated with pride, "I ate the last muffin!"  This was quite an accomplishment as he held a title and he got the last word as far as who got the last muffin.  There is some power in taking the last of anything.  Nobody else can ever have again what you had for the last time. 

This kind of thinking is probably more in line with having a bowl of Do-Do Bird Stew or a Tyrannosaur drumstick or something.  Muffins... not so much... but it is all part of growing up and the learning curve for them.  I fear the devastation he will feel the next time he has a muffin and it dawns on him, "It wasn't the last.. I must make it my goal in life to, EAT THEM ALL!"  And hence another mad scientist is born. 

But alas, Child A was to be outdone and he was out of the conversation at this point...

Child B chimed in with "Well, I got to eat the first muffin!"  This was quite a blow to all in the room; the muffin equivalent of shouting "FIRST!" 

A cold silence chilled the dining room after Child B's comment was made....  This was dominance among the tween and those beneath.  How could it be topped...  I was hanging by a thread on the suspense.

Just as we were all ready to breath a sigh of relief as there had been no challenges to Child B's dominance, Child C chimed in.

"No, I had the first muffin.  I took it off the plate as it was being put on the table!"  This was a cold calculated move on Child C's part.  She knew she had the upper hand.  I knew she had taken the muffin, but I was keeping my mouth shut.

I was a little hurt though.  I had no idea her preliminary muffin grab was a move to challenge the dominance of Child B.  I just thought she REALLY liked my muffins. 

Child B was ready for this.  As Child C portrayed an Il Duce'-esque face of pure confidence in her position and was making eye contact with the others, Child B threw out her final comment:

"Well, I finished mine first, so I had the first WHOLE muffin!"

Child C's face shattered.  She had NOTHING to throw back at Child B.  She was broken.  She had lost what she knew was hers. She held NO title amongst the clan...

All she could say was "Shuh...." with a look of disgust as she drank her milk trying to, at the very least, make a display of restraint and grace.... but I could see the twitch of pending vendetta in her eye.

As the only adult in the room, I wasn't sure where to go.  The kids need this sort of interaction to best learn their communication skills.  There was no shouting and it was resolved.

Child A was too young to understand what happened.  He was happy with his role.
Child B was the clear victor and will maintain her role of dominance for another day.
Child C learned a valuable lesson but is a little broken inside.
Child D is the wisest.  He simply watched the contest as if it were a tennis match. But he bettered himself by staying out of the war of words.

As for me, what should I have done?  What could I have done?  Sure, I could have chimed in with:

" Are you guys kidding me?  What the HELL does it matter? Just eat the muffins and shaddup!"

But, I don't think their interactions deemed such an emotional response and I would have been dubbed the man who says "inappropriate words."  Beside, I do believe they are practicing for when they are older and on their own.

Have you ever given two dogs the same chewie at the same time?  Not to be outdone, they look at each other as if to say "Bitch Please"  (appropriate use of the b-word).  Then they walk circles around each other, drop their respected chewies and walk away with each others original chewie very content with their prize. 

The dogs won't evolve past this and our kids aren't dogs.  I was convinced of this the first time I got in trouble for putting my daughter outside because she was crying... People are so judgemental about these things.  She had water out there!!!  (this is satire... that did not really happen quite that way).

So the kids need these interactions in an effort to grow. Granted, had it escalated to a higher level of intensity, I would have most definitely gotten involved.  I do not need four kids going all Lord of the Flies in my house, over muffins.  My house is simply not that big and it's messy enough as it is.

Regardless of all of this, I knew one thing that the kids did not and all the while, I felt the confidence within me.  When I was making the muffins, I had to make two batches as I only have one muffin pan.  Guess what I did?

I HAD THE FIRST MUFFIN BEFORE EVEN TELLING THE KIDS THEY WERE READY!!!!

Ha Hah Kiddos!!! IN YOUR FACES!!!! Who's on top now...  WOOT WOOT!!!

41 years of life experiences paid off on this day!