Dear, your name here,
I simply cannot believe another year has passed and we all get to celebrate the joy that was your birth, once again. It was such a beautiful event that we must make sure every year that we treat you better today than we would any other day because today is the day that your mother almost died suffering insurmountable pain so that you could make your presence known by shouting at everyone in the room and then peeing a little while people covered in latex gave you a very quick bath and wrapped you in a towel only to flop you back onto your suffering mother. Yeah, let's celebrate YOU today!
Now, re-reading that paragraph, it does sound a bit negative or perhaps even sarcastic, but that was not my intent. I really do appreciate you. I appreciate you all 364 other days of the year just as much as I do today. I am simply tired and cannot imagine exerting any more energy into my appreciation for you. Isn't it enough that I am taking the time to tell you how I honestly feel?
You are a wonderful person and I think you should feel like that every day. I think every day we should all celebrate each other. I don't want to just take one day to let you know you're important and then crap on you for the rest of the year.
And besides, are we even certain that today is really still your birthday? First off, you were born in a different time zone. If it's early enough or late enough in the day by the time you get this message, chances are, I've already missed it.
Secondly, how accurate are calendars and time pieces anyway? Every four years, we have to add a day to the calendar so we can catch up with lost time? On top of that, what about daylight savings? Depending on the time of year, chances are another hour has slipped away and we didn't even notice.
And if the calendar has slipped in anyway today might not even be the day we think it is. Have you seen how many different cultures have different calendars?
Finally, have you ever read about the theory of relativity and time dilation? I'm not sure if I understand it myself, but, I think it says the slower you go, the faster you age which is the Physicist version of "It's Better to Burn Out than to Fade Away!"
So, chances are, every time you've flown in a plane or even gone really really really fast in your car (yeah, I totally know you) you've actually gone a little back in time, unlike Bob who's always sitting on his couch. He's so weird and he smells funny. I don't really care for Bob and I am not going to acknowledge him again... no, not even on his birthday.
So, yeah, anyway, chances are you may actually be younger than any of us think! Although you did get mono that one time and sat still a lot. Maybe you're older. I don't know.
It's really overwhelming me to treat you any differently today.
SCREW YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!
It's not more important than you and you are important every day! You were going to be born regardless of the date so why waste all of this time making a big deal about it?
I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. I think this is just another ploy by the card companies and the headache medicine people simply getting together and stressing us all out to make a big deal out of nothing. I hate what they are doing to society.
We should really be appreciating your Mother today.
I miss my Mom. I am definitely getting her a card next Mother's Day and then we'll go out to eat so she doesn't have to cook and do the dishes (and neither will I). I hope she doesn't mind paying though. I'll get the tip.
Thinking of you,
Your BFF!
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