Yesterday has taught me something... I'm not quite sure what it is, but, I think I'm getting older.

I woke up yesterday very tired from the night before.  I've no idea what I did the night before other than have a glass of wine and get to bed before ten.  At 6 am I was beyond sleepy whereas I usually wake up closer to 5 am annoyingly ready to go.

Perhaps I got too much sleep?  I guess it could happen.

I had a banana for breakfast.  I often have bananas for breakfast.  Sure, I could tell you something like "I'm trying to eat healthy" but that's not really the case.  I just really like bananas.

I've had a few people ask me if I'm eating that to lose weight?  I could do to lose some weight but that's not my intention.  Really, I just have a hard time with breakfast and a banana is a good size meal for me.  I have to make myself eat something.

Besides, I don't think eating bananas is good for weight loss.  Have you seen a gorilla?  THEY'RE FREAKIN' MASSIVE!!!!

I eat bananas and that is why I am the size I am... and y'know, come to think of it, my back hair is turning a lovely shade of silvery grey!!!  So, there's that too.  I may be one of those mysterious Silver Back Gorilla Dads.

And see, that's one of the clues to my aging body issues... I'm a Dad.

I love being a Dad.

Before becoming a Dad I had spent nine years getting to work by 4:30 am.  I should make a point to mention here that I did not become a Dad at 9 (although I totally coulda).  No I had spent 33 years simply existing before the gift of fatherhood arrived at my doorstep.  It just happened to be from years 24 to 33 that I spent going in to work by 4:30 am!

Anyway, I never needed coffee during all those years and I almost never had a bite of food before 9 am.  It just wasn't my nature to get up and eat.  And of course, with all of my hyper spastic energies, I never needed coffee.

About two days after becoming a Dad I started drinking coffee.  I LOVE THE STUFF!!!!

I also realized I had to feed my child first thing in the day and last thing at night... and a few times during the day... and a few times during the night...  Suddenly I found myself eating first thing in the day.. and the last thing at night... and  a few times....etc...

I needed the energy in order to try to keep up with the kid.

8 years later I work a regular 9 to 5 and I have coffee for breakfast; most days, with a side of banana.

So, aging has forced me into the go-juice and nanners morning meal.  Good stuff.

Now, back to my story...

Yesterday was my daughters last day of the school year.  It was... A HALF DAY!!!!  For the past several years I have either taken a half day as well or the whole day off.  Yesterday I took a half day.  Good times!

Upon arriving to work that morning, I sat at my desk and did very little as the clock slowly ticked on.... It seems like the day is longest when you know you're going to get out early.  Although it actually feels longest on the last day before a vacation.

Anyway, my half day lingered.  I ate my banana at my desk around 9-ish.

I did not have lunch.

I picked my child up around noon along with two other kiddos.  The four of us were going to have A DAY!!!

But I was still so tired.

They had eaten lunch at school so we opted to go out and get some "FRO-YO!"  Apparently that's how we trendy people (I did not know I was trendy) are supposed to refer to our FROzen YOgurt.  So, we went to one of those do -it-yourself frozen yogurt places where they give you a bowl, let you fill it up with whatever you want (yogurt and toppings) and then they weigh your order and charge by the pound.

Why is America so obese now? 

So, for me, it was FRO YO for lunch!  That seemed healthy enough.

I only had some sort of cake batter "low fat" yogurt with some granola on top... and some crushed oreos... and maybe some white chocolate chips... AND THAT'S ALL!!!!  Sadly, they had no chocolate covered bacon for my YO.

Altogether, three elementary school kids and I ordered $25 worth of weighed food.  It's easy to be a glutton if you say "screw it" to your budget.

After we finished my lunch and their second lunches, we opted to go back to the house and play video games as it was way too hot outside.  So the kids played video games and I went to take a nap.  1 Banana and 9 to 10 pounds of FRO YO (and stuff) apparently does not help much with the low energy.  But then again, Gorillas sleep all day, covered in their banana leaves, and they're the picture of health.

So I tried my best, but somewhere along the way my nap went horribly wrong.  I was aware of this when I awoke to three kids (and a large dog) in bed with me, all watching TV.  I tried my best to ignore them, but eventually the waves of "what the hell did I really have for lunch" nausea got me up!

After a while, it just seemed better to go outside and do something.

On a side note, why didn't I enjoy taking a nap when I was a kid?  What the hell was wrong with me?

We decided to get in the pool.  Me and three kids (all under four feet or close enough) in a pool means only one thing:

I AM THE TARGET!!!
and THEY'RE GOING TO SCREAM!!!
and MY EARS ARE GOING TO HURT FROM ALL THE SCREAMING!!!
and I AM AN ISLAND THEY ARE GOING TO TRY TO CLIMB ON!!!
and WHEN THEY GET ON MY SHOULDERS THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OFF!!!
and I AM GOING TO HAVE TO TRY TO THROW THEM!!!
and THAT WILL EXHAUST ME!!!
and I AM GOING TO HAVE TO SWIM UNDERWATER TO GET AWAY FROM THEM!!!
and AT LEAST ONE OF THEM WILL HANG ON TO MY SHOULDERS WHILE I DO SO, YOU KNOW, " FOR THE RIDE!!!"

So, okay, it means actually all 9 of those things happen pretty much every five minutes over the course of two hours.  Of course, that's not all that I had to do.  There was more, like the fact that I was the life guard and I was the referee and I had to be the grown up and, oh yeah, I had to remove the SNAKE FROM THE POOL!!!

"I'm just a harmless dolphin ma'am."

It was just a baby rat snake, but, as it turns out, kids (and silver backed gorilla dads) do not care much for snakes slithering past their heads in a pool!  That's what I get for living in the Southeastern USA.

After that, I was spent.  I cooked a dinner of pasta Alfredo with chicken and broccoli (finally a meal) and then watched some TV before going to bed.

Then, this morning it dawned on me that, as it turns out, although gorillas can spend a whole day tossing luggage around their room, much like one might toss three elementary kids around a pool, they pay for it the next day.

This morning, I woke up sore.

I woke up slow.

I woke up tired.

I woke up not wanting to eat.

I knew why!

I had my coffee.

I skipped my banana... I had it for lunch.

Just a little something about nothing.

I once wrote song lyrics about how I had nothing to sing about.  I presented it to my band mates and they didn't like it.

The lyrics evolved.

I re-submitted the little ditty and it was now about how little I had to sing about because I was lost without some girl.  The band mates refused it.

I was confused because how can you go wrong if your following the whole "boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy sees a life long relationship forming between them, girl sees a boy, boy tells her of his undying love for her under a star lit sky, girl sees a silhouette  of some other boy while the first boy is telling her something about nothing really under a star lit sky, boy doesn't understand why girl is walking away, girl just needs space already or at least, just enough space to talk to the other boy, first boy is heart broken, second boy meets girl, girl is just awful..." formula?  "It's a HIT Baby!"  Is all I thought to myself.

The song evolved.

Submitted.

Rejected.

Evolved.

Submitted...

Rejected...

You get the point...

Eventually the lyrics were just what the band felt this song needed.  And so, the song was me singing a true story about how a developer came in and wiped out a local forest where I grew up and built a false lake and planted new trees so they could develop lake front houses in a brand new forest and sell the houses for a quite a large profit.  All of which is still a metaphor in my mind for the whole previously mentioned silhouette chasing skank!

But it worked.  We released the song locally (on cassette because I'm old and that's all we had back then) and it was received pretty well by those who I might be able to call "fans" but who were mostly just charitable friends willing to fork out a few bucks for a cassette.

Fast forward to today, 20 something years later...

I have absolutely nothing to write about today.  I've been so busy that my mind is overly preoccupied with the day to day goings ons that this is all I have for you.  It's good to be busy, but my mind appears to wander less.

When my mind wanders less I believe I am genuinely much happier as I have less time to think about all the things that suck.  However, I have equally less time to expand on all the things that intrigue me.  If I have less time to expand on intriguing things, I find it difficult to reach my inane points.  And of course, if I am unable to reach an inane point, I find it difficult to type out a blog for the sake of my own well being.

So, this article... me typing out what appears to be a lot about not much... this is what I have to offer you today.

I submit it to you.

You may reject it if you like.

I will evolve.

Have a nice day.

I want to compliment you Miss, but perhaps I should just shut up instead.

I once had an "acquaintance," who was really just a former co-worker, whom I never really got along with although he did have some acceptable qualities about him.  For example, he knew he was an ass; I could accept that.

This post isn't about him, but I must start off by using his words.

He paid a woman a compliment one day.  A compliment that I would NEVER pay someone.  A compliment that I would find offensive, but to him it was not.  To him, it seemed acceptable and for her it appeared to make her feel good.

In his deep southern drawl, he simply said:
 "You know, you don't sweat much for a big girl.  You smell clean.  I like that."

As best as I can tell, she liked it and he was sober.  I thought to myself "wow, there's someone for everyone."  Perhaps his wife agreed?  I wondered if he would pay her such a compliment?

A small part of me respected him a little for his courage to pay such a compliment. In all actuality, I respected him for attempting any compliment.

I am afraid to go out and pay a woman a compliment most times.

I fear women.

I feel much anxiety when I take the risk of trying to say something I think is nice!  I've gotten myself in trouble before.

I learned long ago to NOT COMPLIMENT THEIR ANATOMICAL DIFFERENCES FROM MINE!!!  Typically, that would only happen when drinks were involved, and I was particularly crass, stupid, foolish, young and did I say "drinks were involved?"  yes, I did...  When I am involved with drinks I say dumb things.

As I grew older, and the women I knew started having kids of their own, I learned not to compliment them on their baby bumps.  Mainly because sometimes, that's not what that bump is.  As it is, I have a "baby bump" these days.  No one makes the mistake of complimenting me.

I fear the risk of "the trap" question/ compliments... You know something like these:

     - "How does this dress make me look?"
     - "Do you prefer the COLOR OF PARTICULAR OUTFIT HERE or the OTHER COLOR OF OTHER/ MAYBE SIMILAR OUTFIT HERE?" 
      -"Do you think I should cut my hair?"
      -"Do you think I need to lose weight?"

THERE ARE NO RIGHT ANSWERS. EVEN IF YOU TRY TO ANSWER WITH A COMPLIMENT,  YOU ARE BEING SET UP!!!!

These are traps that men have been up against since the beginning of time.  "Og, does this saber tooth skin make my butt look too big?"  Og's safest bet was to simply say "Og be right back" and then either go club himself in the head or just jump into a volcano.

Of course, I can easily  get myself in trouble by paying a compliment and saying "You look radiant today!"  I've learned over time that I need to not use the word "TODAY!"  That one word can get me into so much trouble.

As George Carlin once said, "There are no bad words.  Only bad meanings.."  He said something like that.  He was right!

"TODAY" can have such an awful meaning when you compliment someone on how beautiful they are.  It must've taken me 100 times, or perhaps thousands, of saying  some variation of "you look pretty today" before I realized that each and every time the compliment would be completely avoided and I would get the response of, "Today? Did I not look good yesterday?"

Of course, I would dig myself into a bigger hole by saying something stupid like "Of course, you were beautiful yesterday and every day I've known you. But today you've obviously made an effort and I appreciate it!"  Which would get a response of "Oh, so now I need to make an effort for you to find me beautiful?"  And so on and so on and so on...

Eventually I would leave and look for a volcano...

I have to add right now that this has happened to me several times with a few different women, but has NOT HAPPENED IN YEARS.... I REPEAT NOT IN YEARS!!!! 

Seriously though, I have heard it said that those who spend too much time making themselves beautiful on the outside are not as beautiful on the inside and in some of my experience, I have found that to be true.  But how do you compliment someone on not trying too hard and therefore being a more beautiful/ less self-centered person?

"I love you... You don't care how you look... You don't even try... and that's what makes you beautiful!"  NOPE!!!!


So yes, even after years of experience and learning from my mistakes, I still screw up....

As a Dad, I've come to realize that I had a GREAT childhood and I am reliving some of it through my kid.  I am constantly reminded of things that made me smile, or that I found beautiful growing up.  If I compliment a woman and that compliment reminds me of my childhood, I am being very sincere!

For example, I went out of my way to compliment the wife of a friend of mine on her outfit one night.  She is actually my friend as well, but I must specify the whole "she is a wife and I like her husband" thing because I had NO AGENDA.  I just wanted to be nice.  So, I told her how much I liked her dress and necklace because it reminded me of Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble!

My First Loves!

This is a HUGE compliment from me!  These women were my first indicators that there was much more for me out there besides just Star Wars and Legos.  I loved Wilma and Betty!  They were classy and hot!

So, the friend wife of the friend was in a sort of dress/ wrap thing with a large beautiful necklace on.  I said what came to mind first, which was the Flinstones thing.  She didn't speak to me again that night.  He says she wasn't upset and that he thought the same thing, but that he would've never said that to her.  She speaks to me now, it's been a year... We've never spoken of my compliment again.

I learned nothing....

Recently I ran into a friend of mine and his family, his wife is my friend as well too but again I must specify the whole "NO AGENDA" thing.  They all had different hats on as they were in the sun.  I told the daughter that her hat reminded me of one I had from Disney Land as a kid.  I told the son that I liked the team on his baseball hat.  I told the husband that I liked his Panama Jack hat but that he looked like he was trying to be Panama Jack in his later years "you know, after he gave up and let himself go..."  Because that is the kind of compliment men pay men.

I told the wife that I loved her hat and that it reminds me of the Abominable Snowman in Miami with Bugs Bunny!

Ahhhh... Childhood Memories.

I am still learning.  Apparently, one should never use the words "Abominable Snowman" and "You look like" in the same sentence when complimenting a woman.  Who knew?

I think the safest bet for me, you know, to compliment women I am attracted to, is to tell them how much they remind me of my Mom!  Women like that, right?

The Newest String Instrument

About twenty years ago I graduated from college with a degree in Broadcast Journalism.  It took my five years to get that degree, but that was not a bad thing, I really was on a five year plan.

See, 25 years ago, I went to college to study Music Education.  I had a vocal scholarship (very small) which means that in some aspects, I was a singer.  I had a five year scholarship.

I'm not typing this entry to discuss what led to my change in my degree.  It might be a good story, but that is not my point.  I'll get to my point eventually.  Surely you know this about me by now?  It takes time, but eventually, I get there.

Now, as a Music Education major, the basic expectation is that eventually you will  become a teacher.  I wanted to become a teacher and to this date, I wish I had pursued that option.  But, Music had been a joy and became less fun for me as it became a job... Still not my point.

As a future educator it was expected that we become familiar with all the instrument groups.  Much like there are food groups such as meats, vegetables, grains, candy, beer, pizza, etc....  There are four groups for instrument.

You have percussion instruments, such as drums, triangle's, cymbals, gongs, etc... Essentially, anything you can bang (giggity).  And you have stringed instruments such as the violin, cello, bass, viola.  There is another group called woodwinds which includes the bassoon, the oboe, the clarinet, etc... and brass instruments which include the trumpet, trombone, tuba, etc.... Of course the last two groups are considered "Wind" instruments which constitutes anything you can blow (giggity giggity).

There are always confusing instruments like the Saxophone which is shiny like a brass instrument but is considered a wood wind.  This is because the sax has a "reed" in the mouthpiece which is another part of being a woodwind.  Of course, the flute is a woodwind although it has no reed.  It's like that whole "I before E... unless not" crap in the English language.

Now in becoming a Teacher of Music, we had to learn at least one instrument from each group, as I recall.  I chose the Saxophone as my woodwind.  I had a pretty good embouchure for that one and could make some sounds that didn't sound like I was doing something rude with a cattle prod to some unsuspecting cattle.  Embouchure is how one uses their facial muscles to shape their lips and play a wind instrument.  Woodwind embouchures can be quite rude or sexy depending on how you look at it.  Try to look at it professionally.  Anyway, I think I played a pretty mean "Hot Cross Buns (a.k.a. Three Blind Mice)" by the time I was done.

I also familiarized myself with the French Horn.  I think I gave up on that one pretty quickly.  Mainly, it was because my embouchure was a look of me having just eaten all the lemons.  Also, when I played, it sounded like I was doing something rude with a cattle to prod to an unsuspecting sea lion.  Very sad...

I remember the excitement I felt when I discovered that I would have to take a semester in PERCUSSSION!!!  DRUMS!!!  YESSSS!!!  I AM A ROCK GOD!!!!  It turns out we spent a semester learning rudiments on a snare pad.  This is a rubber pad that sits on a stand in front of you much a like a snare drum but not.  It is simply a practice pad.  We learned drum rolls, ratamacues, flamacues, paradiddles, flamadidles, etc.... look them up yourself.  I passed.

I also took cello.  I LOVED THE CELLO!!!  I was not so good, but after a semester or two of studying, I could play some things and not sound like I was hurting cats and their kittens.  String instruments are much more finicky than one might think.  By the time I took my last exam, I remember having to do three "simple" pieces.  Something by Mozart.  Something by Bach.  And something of my choosing.  I chose Motley Crue's "Doctor Feelgood."  It involved fingering, plucking and bowing.  My professor was NOT impressed.  I was.

Now, of course, my fifth instrument was my voice and then I had to learn a sixth which turned out to be piano.  I am of the belief that scholars are still trying to discover what musical group the piano falls in.  It has strings like a harp, but the keys trigger hammers which strike the strings like a percussion instrument.  It is like fish on Fridays.  Is fish not a meat?  Or better yet, the piano is the tomato of instruments.  Is it a fruit?  Is it a vegetable?  No one may ever know...

I sang in bands throughout high school and college.  In the last band I was in, I was the singer and the bass player.  So, in essence, the cello led me to bass, although the strings are all backwards, quite literally.

I walked away from music a long time ago, but it will always be a part of me.  However, now, I am subjugated to being one of those guys you see at a traffic light, sitting in his truck, jamming away on his air drums or air guitar or air bass or air tuba, all the while singing along with the radio.  Yup, that's me.

Today, I offended myself.  THIS BEING MY POINT!!!

On the radio was Blues Traveler's song "Run Around."  It's a good song.  Very catchy.  The singer is very impressive.  I read somewhere once that the singer, John Popper, had gotten his Doctorate in Harmonica!!!  What I read was wrong.  He did not.  Sorry to excite you there.  He's just very good.

I am not good at the harmonica.  That came to me all too clearly on my way into work this morning.

While Run Around played, I joined in.  I was singing and playing my bass as I swerved through traffic.  I was carrying the band quite well and I helped John hit some high notes.  All the while, I didn't miss a note on the bass... as far as anyone watching would know.

Then came the awesome harmonica solo!  Jethro Tull be shamed with your lazy flute solo's!!!  John Popper is amazing!  I have listened to Run Around since '95 and I am always impressed!

But today in traffic, I was at a loss.  I could not suddenly let go of my wheel and play the air harmonica.  That seems a little unsafe.  Without even thinking about it, I suddenly noticed that I was playing the solo on my air bass.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?  YOU CAN'T AIR BASS A HARMONICA!!!!

I'm so ashamed.

I may try to develop the string harmonica just to save my credibility in the realm of traffic air bands.  And thus, this is where my story ends... for now.

I didn't say it was going to be a good point.  I don't think I've ever said that.