I want to compliment you Miss, but perhaps I should just shut up instead.

I once had an "acquaintance," who was really just a former co-worker, whom I never really got along with although he did have some acceptable qualities about him.  For example, he knew he was an ass; I could accept that.

This post isn't about him, but I must start off by using his words.

He paid a woman a compliment one day.  A compliment that I would NEVER pay someone.  A compliment that I would find offensive, but to him it was not.  To him, it seemed acceptable and for her it appeared to make her feel good.

In his deep southern drawl, he simply said:
 "You know, you don't sweat much for a big girl.  You smell clean.  I like that."

As best as I can tell, she liked it and he was sober.  I thought to myself "wow, there's someone for everyone."  Perhaps his wife agreed?  I wondered if he would pay her such a compliment?

A small part of me respected him a little for his courage to pay such a compliment. In all actuality, I respected him for attempting any compliment.

I am afraid to go out and pay a woman a compliment most times.

I fear women.

I feel much anxiety when I take the risk of trying to say something I think is nice!  I've gotten myself in trouble before.

I learned long ago to NOT COMPLIMENT THEIR ANATOMICAL DIFFERENCES FROM MINE!!!  Typically, that would only happen when drinks were involved, and I was particularly crass, stupid, foolish, young and did I say "drinks were involved?"  yes, I did...  When I am involved with drinks I say dumb things.

As I grew older, and the women I knew started having kids of their own, I learned not to compliment them on their baby bumps.  Mainly because sometimes, that's not what that bump is.  As it is, I have a "baby bump" these days.  No one makes the mistake of complimenting me.

I fear the risk of "the trap" question/ compliments... You know something like these:

     - "How does this dress make me look?"
     - "Do you prefer the COLOR OF PARTICULAR OUTFIT HERE or the OTHER COLOR OF OTHER/ MAYBE SIMILAR OUTFIT HERE?" 
      -"Do you think I should cut my hair?"
      -"Do you think I need to lose weight?"

THERE ARE NO RIGHT ANSWERS. EVEN IF YOU TRY TO ANSWER WITH A COMPLIMENT,  YOU ARE BEING SET UP!!!!

These are traps that men have been up against since the beginning of time.  "Og, does this saber tooth skin make my butt look too big?"  Og's safest bet was to simply say "Og be right back" and then either go club himself in the head or just jump into a volcano.

Of course, I can easily  get myself in trouble by paying a compliment and saying "You look radiant today!"  I've learned over time that I need to not use the word "TODAY!"  That one word can get me into so much trouble.

As George Carlin once said, "There are no bad words.  Only bad meanings.."  He said something like that.  He was right!

"TODAY" can have such an awful meaning when you compliment someone on how beautiful they are.  It must've taken me 100 times, or perhaps thousands, of saying  some variation of "you look pretty today" before I realized that each and every time the compliment would be completely avoided and I would get the response of, "Today? Did I not look good yesterday?"

Of course, I would dig myself into a bigger hole by saying something stupid like "Of course, you were beautiful yesterday and every day I've known you. But today you've obviously made an effort and I appreciate it!"  Which would get a response of "Oh, so now I need to make an effort for you to find me beautiful?"  And so on and so on and so on...

Eventually I would leave and look for a volcano...

I have to add right now that this has happened to me several times with a few different women, but has NOT HAPPENED IN YEARS.... I REPEAT NOT IN YEARS!!!! 

Seriously though, I have heard it said that those who spend too much time making themselves beautiful on the outside are not as beautiful on the inside and in some of my experience, I have found that to be true.  But how do you compliment someone on not trying too hard and therefore being a more beautiful/ less self-centered person?

"I love you... You don't care how you look... You don't even try... and that's what makes you beautiful!"  NOPE!!!!


So yes, even after years of experience and learning from my mistakes, I still screw up....

As a Dad, I've come to realize that I had a GREAT childhood and I am reliving some of it through my kid.  I am constantly reminded of things that made me smile, or that I found beautiful growing up.  If I compliment a woman and that compliment reminds me of my childhood, I am being very sincere!

For example, I went out of my way to compliment the wife of a friend of mine on her outfit one night.  She is actually my friend as well, but I must specify the whole "she is a wife and I like her husband" thing because I had NO AGENDA.  I just wanted to be nice.  So, I told her how much I liked her dress and necklace because it reminded me of Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble!

My First Loves!

This is a HUGE compliment from me!  These women were my first indicators that there was much more for me out there besides just Star Wars and Legos.  I loved Wilma and Betty!  They were classy and hot!

So, the friend wife of the friend was in a sort of dress/ wrap thing with a large beautiful necklace on.  I said what came to mind first, which was the Flinstones thing.  She didn't speak to me again that night.  He says she wasn't upset and that he thought the same thing, but that he would've never said that to her.  She speaks to me now, it's been a year... We've never spoken of my compliment again.

I learned nothing....

Recently I ran into a friend of mine and his family, his wife is my friend as well too but again I must specify the whole "NO AGENDA" thing.  They all had different hats on as they were in the sun.  I told the daughter that her hat reminded me of one I had from Disney Land as a kid.  I told the son that I liked the team on his baseball hat.  I told the husband that I liked his Panama Jack hat but that he looked like he was trying to be Panama Jack in his later years "you know, after he gave up and let himself go..."  Because that is the kind of compliment men pay men.

I told the wife that I loved her hat and that it reminds me of the Abominable Snowman in Miami with Bugs Bunny!

Ahhhh... Childhood Memories.

I am still learning.  Apparently, one should never use the words "Abominable Snowman" and "You look like" in the same sentence when complimenting a woman.  Who knew?

I think the safest bet for me, you know, to compliment women I am attracted to, is to tell them how much they remind me of my Mom!  Women like that, right?