"Grrrrrr-kkkkkkkkkk-grrrrrrrr-weeya weeya weeya weeya weeyaaaaaaa..."
That was the magical sound my old 486 (no idea what that means but that's how it was referred to) computer would make when my modem would find the correct AOL phone number and get me onto the World Wide Web back in 1998. This was the first home computer I owned.
I was so excited to get on the internet and see everybody online who I could chat with, later called "IM," ("chat rooms" sounded so naughty). But most of all, I could get E-MAIL!!!
No more having to actually write things to people, which is simply wonderful for people who are handwriting challenged much like myself. Really my handwriting is awful. I'm sure it's either because I have some sort of un-diagnosed physical issue or that I simply don't care for people to read what I write down.
Also, NO MORE LICKING STAMPS!!!!
I think the US Post Office invented the self-adhesive stamp for the soul purpose of getting back at me for that kind of thinking. Seriously, I didn't even know they were self-adhesive until after I licked and accidentally swallowed 6 or 7 stamps that stuck to my tongue instantly. I'm pretty sure they haven't "passed" yet and that I could probably ship my stomach across country overnight without having to pay any extra postage.
But I Digest (thank you vaudevillian shtick comedy)...
So, yeah, ELECTRONIC MAIL!!!! I once questioned that since this was called "E" for Electronic Mail, then why didn't we call what we had been using all along "P" for Paper Mail. Then I figured it out: the term P-Mail is too similar to "Pee-Mail" which my dog checks at every tree trunk, fire hydrant and fence post we walk past every day so she can see what her friends have been up to.
So we had Mail and now we have E-mail!
"Paper Mail is a thing of the past" I, and surely so many others, thought.
However, someone told all the marketing people about this "e-mail" and "internet" secret and they decided that they needed to start sending us CRAP MAIL and thus SPAM was re-invented from being a meat product very popular in the pacific rim to being the previously mentioned, CRAP MAIL!!!
Suddenly e-mail wasn't so much fun anymore.
But at least the postal service still existed and their stamps were DEEEEELISH! So you could still count on the occasional letter in the mail from your grandma, or bill collectors. At least someone was thinking about you enough to send you something more personal than electronic mail.
But then an odd switch happened, bill makers and grandmas started figuring out how to use the e-mail as well and the e-mail Gods figured out how to BLOCK SPAM!!! Suddenly, e-mail was back on, like donkey kong!!!! Does that even make sense?
However, on the flip side to that, the SPAM makers (no, not Hormel; at least I don't think so) figured out that they had a good thing on their hands just wantonly sending everyone their sales and marketing crap. Since the e-mail folks were going to just block it, the Spam folk would just go all old school and starting mailing Paper SPAM to our houses. And since the Postal Service really has NO legal precedent to block PS (paper Spam, stay with me on this) and they're making money off of it anyway, ever day I get MILLIONS and MILLIONS little pieces of crap ads in my mailbox.
So now, pretty much Birthdays (mine and the kids') and Holidays are the only time I look forward to getting mail. The rest of the time, it's just crap as far as I'm concerned... that was, until two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago I got a ton of useless ads in my mailbox, but then the next day, I got nothing. I was so happy, as if a prayer had been answered. Then, the day after that I got a whole bunch of nothing again, and so on and so on for TEN DAYS!!! I went ten days without getting a single piece of mail.
It was torture man!!!!
Everyday I would come home from work sticking my hand as far down into my wall-mounted mailbox as I could, checking to see if something very small had perhaps fallen just out of reach. All I would find were leaves. A bird started making a nest in my mailbox a year ago but it got sick of all the spam too. I swear I'm gonna clean those leaves out one day.
I GOT BUTKUS!!!! NOTHING, Nada, zilch....it was awful. Nobody loved me... not even the spam folks.
I'm sorry spam folks. I realize that you are people too simply trying to get by in this crazy old E, Pee and just regular ol' mail world. I will take 47 conflicting coupons to pizza hut, and a free massage when I call that number, and that mattress store personal invite, and the 48 conflicting Papa John's coupons, and whatever else you see me worthy of... I didn't mean it.... whatever I did or may have thought... Please, please, just keep sending me something so I know I'm still alive!!!!
Then two days ago, the PS started again... I'M SOMEBODY!!!! Yes, this is just like having your name in the phone book for the first time. Oh it feels GOOD to be alive!
Wait a minute... Paper Spam... PS? I GET IT NOW! That's what P.S. means at the end of a letter; why you guys have been with us for a lot longer than I thought... WOW.
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