I slit a sheet. A sheet I slit. Upon the slitted sheet's A WITCH!!!

I tried to fold a fitted sheet last night, "tried" being the key word here.

I cannot fold a fitted sheet.  
It is a humiliating and time consuming experience for me.  
There are so many things that I have the intellectual and physical capacity to do, but fitted sheets may be my greatest nemesis.

It's those damned corners I think.  I can fold a regular sheet like a pro.  I can grab two corners, pinch them together with my right hand, slide my left hand down the edges of the sheet, find the other two corners, pinch them together, and that's all the fight in that sheet.  After that, it's smooth sailing.

Seriously, a normal sheet looks perfect when I'm finished with it.  It is a smooth rectangley thing of beauty!  I can do this with a standard, full, queen and even king, no problem.  Bring on a California King sheet!  I'll fold it like a champ!

I can only assume that somewhere back in "the day" when the bed was invented, someone else had invented the sheets.  The sheets guy was sleeping all snug and warm, but on hard surfaces and the bed guy (obviously named "Matthew Ress") was on a cozy surface that fit his body more comfortably, but he got cold at night, every night, even in the summer.

Since these were the days before the Internet and even phone, these two guys probably wandered the streets of their town until they happened to run into each other.  And much like the peanut butter and chocolate guys who invented the peanut butter cup, the rest, my friends, is history!

However, I'm sure the original sheet guy simply put a sheet on top of the bed and then tucked the loose edges under.  But some yahoo came along and just had to make it better and invented the "fitted sheet."  I'm sure it's production name was "the sheet that stays put and doesn't come untucked from under the bed every night" which was eventually shortened, obviously.

Well, what that jackass never considered was how terribly difficult that sheet is to fold!!!

It is not possible for me to fold a fitted sheet that looks as good as a regular sheet.  I cannot do it. In fact, as gross as the visual may be, whenever I try to fold a fitted sheet, I swear it looks like one of those baby Mammoths you always see being dug up in the news by hungry scientists.

I give you the horrible visual of what is in my hall closet!

In all seriousness,  why can't you ever hear about one of those things being dug up without hearing about  how they taste?

I have tried about every way I know to fold a fitted sheet and have them come out right and I fail each and every time.  I'm to the point now where when I buy one, I feel I should never open it up.  I should just put it on my mantle as if it were prize game that will never look any where near as pristine as it does right now!

I have come to the belief that the only people who can properly fold a fitted sheet are, in fact, witches!  I'm serious.  When you think about it, hotels weren't so popular and/ or common back in the day of all the witch burnings.  What, you think it's a mere coincidence that once burning witches fell out of style hotel franchises started to flourish?

How about this one, "Ramada" (as in the Inn) is Spanish for a shelter made of tree branches.  And what else are tree branches good for?   BURNING WITCHES!!!!

This years Hotel Cleaning Staff Employees of the Months.

But it turns out that it's bad for business when you can't maintain a work force to run said business because you have to burn your staff to the stake every time they perform a job well done!  No pun intended... well, no, actually, now that I re-read that, burning your "staff to the stake" and "well done" has kinda got me chuckling.

Ahem... (very sternly) folding a fitted sheet is no laughing matter... it's a complete pain in the ass!

Should you ever visit my house, the "elephant in the room" is most likely just a fitted sheet I need to put away.