I got my morning workout. How about you?

Yet another Sunday morning stuck between a dog waking me up before 7 AM and a child who needs sleep!  Now, there is also a guest dog staying for a week to add another level to the challenge.. So there I was at 6:53 AM trying to feed two animals while trying to be silent and not wake up the child thus creating a monster!

If the dogs aren't used to each other's normal routine, feeding two dogs can really be an amazingly complicated process.  Of course, as with any dog, you have the constant excitement of "OH BOY.... dog food AGAIN!!!"  which is very sincere coming from them.  I would be much more sarcastic if I were fed the exact same meal twice a day every day of my life.  "Oh boy... People food.... again?"  imagine that was VERY sarcastic sounding.

Both dogs have different dog food and as excited as they are just to have food, there is now an increased level of excitement for both of them because they might have the opportunity to try something different.  However, knowing that if they get a hold of different food I'll have to deal with doggie gas all day, it became my ultimate goal to prevent this from happening.

Doggie gas is a horrible thing.  Not only is it just nasty but it comes at very inopportune times.  You might be entertaining a lovely lady when all of the sudden, POOF!  Without a sound, that smell wafts between you and the lovely lady and you start to think to yourself,

"Oh.  Oh my.   That... that is simply awful.  Oh God I hope that was the dog and not her.  She seems so nice.  I couldn't stand it if that was her.  She'll totally have to go if it was her.  Oh Man... I hope she doesn't think it was me!!"  And then, almost out of necessity, you break the barrier and state "That wasn't me... I'm hoping the dog fluffed!" 

This is bad on two levels.  First off, it is never a good idea to let women know that we men know that they sometimes have gas by implying that it might have been them.  Also, this is bad because of how the word "fluff" is being used to make something so horrible sound cute thus ruining the word fluff for ever after.

Seriously, we grew up using that word for doggie gas.  Then the first time I ever took my clothes to a laundromat to have them wash my clothes for me because I was so overwhelmed studying for exams I saw the sign that said "fluff and fold" and simply turned around with laundry in tow in complete disgust.  I could wear these a few mores days.

So, yeah, I didn't want the dogs to share food which leads to an experience that only the childhood game of Twister could prepare me for.  I filled both bowls at the same time and then had to magically put them down at the same time five to six feet apart.  I cannot reach that far.. so my attempts were pointless.

Of course both dogs always seem to gravitate to one bowl so I was stuck trying to shoo one away in a herding method by tapping it with my foot saying it's name followed by "no, that's not yours" you know, like the dog understands.  And all the while, I can only whisper because the child is still asleep.  Whispering just seems to excite dogs all the more, as if they're thinking "I can't quite make out what you're saying to me, so you must being saying that there's a steak in that bowl"  which escalates the complexity of any feeding.

With a bowl in one hand and a bowl in the other and one foot off the ground trying to gently push one dog away, I was left to act out the summer Olympic gymnastics individual something or other in my kitchen.  My left hand put the bowl on the ground, while my right foot was pushing a dog away and my right hand is keeping the other bowl level all while I whispered.  As the left bowl was finally down, both dogs went for the bowl in my right hand because you know, there's no steak in the left bowl, so perhaps it is in the right bowl now, I guess?

In a teeter totter motion, I alternated from my standing on my left foot and pushing a dog away with my right to standing on my right foot and pushing the other dog away with my left.  It was a thing of beauty.  I wished you had seen it.  I imaged that there were judges behind me giving me 9s and 9.5 for my effort, except for that judge from Naughty Korea; always handing me 8s or below because of politics.

After I got the right bowl down, I foolishly assumed that all would be right with the world.  It was not.  Now I had to keep the dogs from eating each other's food.  I was lucky this morning.  It only took about three minutes of me directing them to their own bowls before they finally got it.

So the dogs are now back to sleep.  The child is still asleep.  And I am exhausted and on my second cup of coffee.  As much as I am trying to relax, I still have Khachaturains "Sabre Dance" stuck in my head for that is a good song to have in your head for a dual dog feeding.

Sorry I got sidetracked on the gas.