The Cookie Minions

Recently, whilst doing my best to fight off an awful craving, I had an epiphany!  A thought entered my mind and I was finally able to figure out a grand conspiracy that has been pulled over on all of us!

I am convinced that there was once an elf who's only goal in life was to be one of the Keebler Elves. He served as an apprentice for years learning the trade and baking the best cookies. All he wanted to was to bring joy to the masses through his cookies made with love.

But, as always happens in the corporate world, not every apprentice could become one of THE Keebler Elves. A choice had to be made.

It was down to our elf in question, who I imagine had a cute little elf name like “Scout” and one other Elf who I'm sure was a really popular jerk named something like “Biff.” Scout and Biff had one final cook off and I'd be willing to bet that Biff put some alum (just like in the Roadrunner/ Coyote cartoons) into Scout's flour.

When the baking was done, Scout's cookies were awful and Biff won the job.

Scout was destroyed and lost his dream. He spent many years listless and broken begginr for justice only to vow revenge!  Evil eventually corrupted his soul and victory over Biff an Keebler became his ultimate goal (oh cool that kinda rhymes). Scout's new purpose in life became domination of the cookie industry and proving to those damned Keebler folks that he IS better than them!

Scout devised a plan.

Slowly he built his empire and his eventual domination was in full swing. He started with a few recipes but did not have the cash flow to distribute. That is where his evil ingenuity truly shined. Scout didn't have to pay distributors to sell his cookies. He would have no stores for overhead. He would start an "organization!!!”

This is the part where in your head, you sing a dramatic “DAH DAH DAHHHHHH...”

He would convince parents around the world to get their daughters to join a "club." In doing so, these parents would pay HIM for the honor of selling and distributing his cookies only ONCE every year. And his business would thrive!!!!! These Girls would simply stare into the eyes of and guilt any adult into buying Scout's precious cookies.

They could not be stopped!

I imagine that at this very moment, Scout, in a three piece tailored suit, is sitting in a large 100^th floor office, behind a desk made from Keebler's tree, rolling his fingertips together repeating “Good.... Goooood” in an evil tone as he watches video of his agents doing his bidding on a monitor bank in front of him.

Well, HAH SCOUT!!!! I only bought 7 boxes of your cookies from 4 of your agents last year. This year I will probably, almost certainly, only buy 6!!!! I'll show you!!!!

But, ummmmm, purely hypothetical here, if my little girl works for you, do I get a discount?