My MANLY Secret

I was in the fifth grade the last time I switched schools mid-year.  This happened to me a lot growing up.  Apparently the US Navy felt that transferring sailors during the school year helped their kids build character.  I'm CHOCK FULL of character.

Anyway, I remember walking into my new class for the first time and hearing those unforgettable words that I had heard so many times before:

"okay everybody, we have a new student in the class today, his name is....."  MUD

They all stared at me as if I had a target on my head; the new classmates always did.  Except that this time, something was different.  There was one guy who stuck out.  Even now as I try to remember the moment, every one's face is blurry except for this one guy.

He wasn't a huge guy and as I recall, he wasn't even looking at me.  His eyes were Clint Eastwood squinty, but it wasn't an ethnic thing; He might've been somewhat Latino.  He was a bit tan and had on a red t-shirt.  He had short jet black hair and pretty much looked like any other fifth grader, that is, other than the mustache and soul patch.  I kid you not!  This guy had facial hair... IN THE FIFTH GRADE!!!!

Now there is a chance that I may be exaggerating a bit.  It's not intentional, it's just how I remember him.  We were in school together for many years and that is just how he always looked.  He lived right down the road from me and he was the first kid from my age group to grow facial hair.  He had beaten all of us by years!  That is NO exaggeration.

As I recall, he was one of the nicest guys I went to school with.  I do not remember him ever getting in a fight and I don't recall him ever being in trouble.  He was very quiet in my experience.  We weren't friends as in we never socialized, but we were far from enemies. 

But everyone was afraid of him.

He had a reputation as being "dangerous" and "tough."  As best as I can tell, this was based solely on the fact that he had facial hair, I'm assuming, since birth.

I sooooo wanted to grow facial hair as fast as possible.  I could not.  I'm pretty sure I blamed my parents for this.  I had heard that if I started shaving, I would start growing hair uncontrollably.  Of course, in that line of thinking I then though I would grow enough facial hair to be "dangerous" and "tough" like that guy.

Years went by.... nothing.  No scruff... no fir... No fuzz...

I think I was in the 9th grade on the "day of wonderness and awe."  Dad collected me from the dining room table after dinner and I'm almost certain he said something like:

"Son, come with me.  You're a man now and now you must do manly things!!!" 

Then he took me to the bathroom and taught me how to shave my face!!!  A choir of angels sung out in praise.  They were either singing praise or they were just standing by to collect me due to all the blood loss.  Seriously, I cut myself up pretty bad.

Dad also took this opportunity to show me how to use deodorant.  I assumed that this wasn't because I smelled bad, but because he wanted me to smell good so that I could attract a mate!!!  I was wrong.  It was totally because I smelled bad.

BUT I DIDN'T CARE!!!!  I was a MAN now!  The only way it could have gone batter was if afterwards Dad had taken me out back and said something like:

"Now I'm going to teach you how to grill a t-bone

and tomorrow I'm going to teach you how to grill a t-bone using only dynamite!!!"

He did not say that.  In fact, he pretty much taught me how to shave in one direction and give myself serious razor burns and nicks (no offense to guys names "nick").  It wasn't until my first senior year in college (yes I said first) that I had a girlfriend encourage me to shave closer because my scruffiness was irritating her skin.

About 4 years after that I kind of got lazy and started growing a Van Dyke which is the goatee and mustache combo that people often just call a goatee.  They are incorrect as the goatee is just the hairs on your chinny chin chin.  So I have now had a quite stylish Van Dyke on my face for 17 years.  Okay, it was stylish back then. Now I have it mainly because I fear my chin and upper lip will seize up from hypothermia if I remove their blanket of masculinity!  Granted, I also worry that with my boyish face, I'll look like a twelve year old if I shave it all off.

So, bacl to that magical day, all those years ago: I walked out of the bathroom, with my Dad, feeling all regal and proud and manly!  My face was covered in tissue chunks, my face was shiny with razor burn and my armpits reeked of secksie!

I looked at my Mom as my smile beamed from ear to ear.  She smiled at me and said Wow!"

Dad then said "now don't go rushing off to school and tell all of your friends about this.  This is a personal thing."  What made him think I would tell?

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, today, at this very moment, in this very blog, I am going to tell you, the reader, the deep secret that I held in and so wanted to share that very next day roughly 24 years ago:

"DUDES!  CHECK ME OUT!!! I SHAVED!!! AND HERE, SMELL MY PITS... I'M USING DEODORANT NOW TOO!!!!"