I just can't seem to commit.

As I am growing older and re-acquainting myself with living as an individual I am starting to realize that, as already mentioned in the title of this particular post, I just can't seem to commit.  I am having issues with commitment that I never really noticed within myself before.

Let's face it, I just can't seem to stay involved with seeing the same face, or even faces, on even just a weekly, let alone daily, basis.  There are just endless stories and they flow together and drag on day after day, week after week.  And sometimes, they don't flow at all.  From one day to the next, I just don't know what to expect. 

And the Drama!  I don't even know what to do about it.  It just seems like the same thing over and over and over and over again.  I have enough of that at work.  I don't need to come home to more drama day in and day out. 

I just want to laugh! 
I want to smile! 
I want to be carefree and spontaneous. 
I don't want a routine!  And I certainly don't want to be a slave to certain things having to happen at certain times.

Until recently, I've had these pressures in my life for a long and I am simply no longer up for the challenge!

But I do realize that this is my problem.  I am, in some essence within myself, going against what has become the norm.  I am the living embodiment of "It's not you it's me" syndrome when it comes to this.

Of course, I'm talking about following and watching TV shows.  I just can't do it! 

Every network has all of these shows on and they tend to be the same thing over and over again told a different way but the same story.  For the most part, most television programming is brilliant and it's not the shows fault.  It really is me.

I have found that I do not have the patience to watch a TV show on Tuesday at 9 and be left hanging at the end of the episode waiting to find out what happens next Tuesday.  This angers me.  Not only do I spend the next week in anticipation of some astounding revelation but now I know, a week in advance, that I am going to have to be set and ready by exactly 9 PM the following Tuesday to find out what happened.  This is Ludicrous to me!

"Why don't you just DVR it?"  You might ask me?

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF!!! THIS IS MY BLOG!!!" I might reply!

But, instead of replying with such an angry tone which would really be my way of saying "you know what, I hadn't thought of that.. what a great suggestion... ain't modern technology grand?"  I will reply in a much more thought out manner as I have thought about doing so and I have lived in an environment where that was done.  It doesn't actually help.

See, the DVR is wonderful.  Yes, you can instantly defeat all commitment issues by just DVR-ing your show and then watching it on your time whenever you want.  But, life is busy and "your time" never really comes.  In fact, should you wish to watch the show, you still have to make time for it.  You still have to commit some portion of your life to watching this show, which, as I have mentioned before is just the filler between commercials.  So really, you're just eking out what little "you time" you have in your day, to watch other people who really want to sell you stuff to keep you occupied during some other part of your day.

So with that, I had a few people in my life (and I know that there are many many others) who would actually get themselves into tears because of all of the shows they had recorded on their DVR that they needed to watch to be "caught up" before the season finale.  Seriously, the season finale might be in two nights, so for the next two nights, they would be all stressed out having to watch their shows as if they were cramming for an exam. 

These are intelligent educated people who are so angry with everything around them because that "everything" is causing them to not be able to watch their show when it originally aired so now they have to watch 8 episodes in two nights.  And they do this with multiple shows!!! 

THAT'S INSANE TO ME!!!  But I still watch TV.

There is one show on television right now that I actually know when it airs and I do DVR it.  However, I only know because another friend is gracious enough to text me each week to remind me.  She knows my deep dark fear of commitment.  And as it is this very day, I have four episodes of this particular show (maybe 6) stored on my DVR for this season alone and I've only seen two of them.  It's a GREAT show... laugh out loud funny!  But I am just too wishy washy to promise myself that I will be seated in front of my television on the night it airs.

So, I watch sports when I see them on.  Or, I'll peruse my movie channels and see what's on but if all else fails, I'll watch the History Channel.  At the very least, in the mornings I may watch the news just to see what the weather is like.  That's about as dedicated as I get when it comes to watching particular shows. 

Of course, I DVR the HELL out of Phineas and Ferb and I like to think I do that for my daughter, although, on occasion, when no one else is looking, I watch it without her.  Honestly, that's the only series I'm truly caught up with.

So, I DVR two shows, but I still can't commit.