Shall We Play a Game?

The first time I heard the WOPR say the words "Shall we play a game" it sent freakish chills down my spine.  How could a computer, not even a simple automaton, say such an innocent thing in such a demonic manner?  And why would it torment Ferris Bueller so much?  He totally deserved that day off after such a vicious game of Tic-Tac-Toe! 

The WOPR was relentless.

Well, as I have grown up, I've come to have WOPRs of my own.   You know, people or things in your life that simply demand your time and your attention and you're pretty much convinced that they really might destroy the world if they do NOT get their way?

I tried to coin the phrase "You're my WOPR" in college when referring to a demanding girlfriend who ALWAYS needed to snuggle, but it didn't take. 

"We're in bed... let's snuggle!"
"We just ate.... let's snuggle!"
"We're watching a movie... let's snuggle!"
"Your Mom is coming over... let's snuggle!"
"You've just told me you need space .... let's snuggle!"

"You're my WOPR baby!" 

COLD COLD SILENCE.

No matter how pretty she looked, she thought I was calling her fat by comparing her to the flame broiled goodness that Burger King would slap in front of me for a dollar. 

Granted, trying to give a girlfriend a cute and clever nickname to capture one of her most obnoxious qualities is NEVER a very good idea; Trust me. 

One girl I appropriately nicknamed "HO" and told her that it was because she liked to work in the garden.  She didn't buy it and I really was lying so.... I'm better off eating my whopper alone.  Granted, I don't eat whoppers anymore; they taste of flame broiled grease wrapped in health problems on a bun.  But I do like to snuggle now.

My next foray into the WOPR world was to get a dog.  It's really cute when you first teach them to bring the ball back to you after you throw it away; just precious.  Then they simply don't stop.  All the time, bringing the ball. I throw the ball away, it comes back.  I throw it further away,  it comes back.  I throw it into a moving car, it comes back.   I'm ignoring the ball by faking interest in any show on Disney XD and BAM, ball in my lap.  Sometimes, I didn't even know it, but at 5:18 am, according to the WOPR Dog, I NEED THE DAMN BALL!!!!!  So freakin' precious....

So you know what I did next?  I had a child.  Some people think you do such a thing to continue your blood line or simply to have someone who can take care of cleaning your house and organizing your stuff after you die.  But another good reason to have a child is so that the WOPR has someone else to play with. 

"HAH!! BRILLIANT!!!"

Well, no... that was not the correct line of thinking.  My thinking was actually off by 180 degrees.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a parent and a dog owner,  but now I have TWO WOPRs, and bonehead that I am, I actually taught one of them how to play TIC TAC TOE!!!  I tried teaching the dog, but she sucks at it. 

The kid is better at it, but she thinks she actually has a chance to win.  And she doesn't get it when I say "strange game... the only way to win is not to play."  But that's all part of the learning curve I guess.

The WOPR that is a child is so much more in your face than the WOPR dog.  You actually have to teach them things and pray that after 1,327 times (or more) of telling them the same thing over and over again, it will actually take.  "Don't put that in your nose ... shhhh ... not now ... don't put that in the dog's nose ... don't eat that ... put that down ... again with the nose?"  A lot of the WOPR dog stuff you just don't worry about so much: "Sure, go ahead and lick yourself.  We kind of expect it"  I could never let that fly with a kid.

And the WOPR kid needs food, clothes, rules, guidance, love, attention ... and YES, they do in fact want you to play games with them!!!! I could go on. 

Being a parent is the greatest and most fulfilling part of my life.  I love my child dearly and would sacrifice most anything to make sure she grows up safe and happy.  But, I fear that I could make one simple mistake by ignoring that angel one time and then, BOOM, GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR!!!!

So anyway, thank goodness it was Ferris who answered that phone.  That would have freaked me out.

I swear, if Stephen Hawking starts calling me at random times to play TIC TAC TOE, I will probably spend the next 5 to 6 years crying myself to sleep.