Gilligan walked into a cave. He was very unsuspecting that anything could go wrong. I believe everybody else on the island knew that going into that cave was a terrible idea; everyone, except for Gilligan.
However, nobody thought to tell him. Of course, giving Gilligan a "heads up" would have stopped all the comedic chaos that often ensued when he was up to his hi-jinx. Ohhhh Gilligan, Little Buddy.
It was Gilligan. He never listened to anyone anyway. I couldn't tell if he was just not so bright, or if he was still in a haze from the little beatnik parties he would go to with Dobie Gillis the night before.
Anyway, just say his name to yourself, Gilligan. GILL-I-GAN! You cannot say it without wanting to chuckle about something silly he did. Everything was funny on Gilligan's Island. Right?
In the afternoons I would come home from school and sit in our nice cool basement by myself and watch my safe, happy, stand-the-test-of-time-wholesome shows on the UHF channels. I would watch Petticoat Junction, Green Acres, I Dream of Jeannie and Gilligan's (always happy and funny and safe for elementary school kids) Island. Watching these shows was the only thing I was brave enough doing in the basement alone in the 70's. When my brother got home, I was brave enough to watch Welcome Back Kotter and What's Happening.
The basement was a scary place! If you were all alone in the basement, and something was down there hiding under the bed, or on those dimly lit shelves where Dad kept old paints and tools, or behind the water heater that wasn't lit at all, Mom could NOT hear your screams when the creature came out to eat you!
But when my shows were on, it was like I had my friends there to help me. I was safe. And I was safest when Gilligan was with me. Nothing scary EVER happened on Gilligan's Island.
Then Gilligan walked into the cave and nobody bothered to warn him. Apparently, I had missed the warning too; I was probably making sure there was nothing under the bed.
Out of nowhere comes this HUGE FREAKING SPIDER!!!! It must have been three feet tall and six feet long, with big eyes and massive, sharp, fuzzy, FANGS!!!!! It trapped Gilligan in the cave!!!
In one simply amazing leap, I jumped the 20 or so feet (I was 6 or 7 so it might have been inches) from the bed to the stairs. I ran up the stairs at full speed, arms raised, screaming at the top of my lungs:
"MMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
(That's my phonetic spelling of a long drawn out "Mom." I worked hard on that. Get your own phonetic spelling of a long drawn out Mom.)
Mom wasn't in the kitchen or the living room or in the carport off the living room, or in the small imitation foyer by the front door (why was base housing so convoluted) so I ran up to the second floor. I didn't see her anywhere. THE SPIDER MUST'VE GOT HER!
Still screaming I opted to give up on searching the bedrooms and upstairs bathroom and just run straight for my bottom bunk of the bunk bed, for under the covers was the only true safe place any time of day!!!
Safe under the layers of "anti-monster, spider, boogeyman, pick any scary thing" fabric I was safe. Then I heard Mom yelling for me and running up the stairs. Oh yeah, we had a bathroom on the first floor. I hadn't thought of checking that. Anyway, she was yelling so I knew she was being chased too. I opened up the covers to let her in.
She was not scared. There was a reddish hue to her face. Maybe steam coming out of ears. I don't remember. I might've passed out.
I wasn't allowed to watch Gilligan's Island for a few weeks after that. The nightmares were pretty bad. I couldn't even go in the basement again for quite sometime.
Why would Gilligan do that to me? I was in such a developmental stage in my life back then (luckily I was potty trained) that I really believed giant spider could happen.
Gilligan had never lied to me before, and nothing "impossible," as unlikely as it was, ever happened on his island. So surely, six feet long by 3 feet wide spiders with fuzzy fangs must exist. And quite possibly, they existed in my basement. It's not like I ever saw the creature in the basement. It was very stealthy.
Somewhere deep in my synapses, a link formed that since Gilligan could not lie to me, impossible creatures must be real as well as horrific events. And somehow, that thinking has stuck with me for a quite a long time.
I DON'T LIKE SCARY MOVIES!!!! There, I said it.
To this day, I will not even walk into a sporting goods store that sells both hockey masks and machetes.
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