Muckenfuss, Quattlebaum and Finkbine

My last name is Payne.

There are times that instead of Payne, I would have preferred a name like Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie.  Of course, that name is "long for mud, so I've been told." But Payne is what I got.

Payne is the kind of name that guarantees you will be picked on as a child, often into adulthood and even as recently as last night.  It's grueling but you learn to accept it and appreciate it and all of the creative flexibility that comes along with such a name.

"You ARE a pain!"  kids would say in an annoyingly sing songy way.

"A pain in the neck;" more sing songy crap.

"Pain in the Asssssss!"  You must apparently always drag out the S when calling me a pain in the asssssssss...  I don't know why, but I'm sure Strunk & White have something to do with it.

Pretty much, I have been related to being a pain in every body part and even a few regions; "You're such a pain in my side" is definitely a regional reference.  Some of the places that I have apparently been a pain were simply gross (think of your own example) and some just didn't make sense, like, "you're such a pain in my duodenum." 

I think the duodenum one was and attempt to be clever, unless that particular insult happened that one night I tried to make blackened chicken and accidentally put a lot of cinnamon in the mix.  That could have had duodenal repercussions.   Regardless, "pain in the duodenum" is a stretch at best.

Payne has been a somewhat limiting name.  It limited my marketability in the medical profession.   Dr. Payne just sounds a little less than comforting.   Military service is tough too, Chief Payne, Major Payne, General Payne....

I wanted to have a kid named Sham at some point just because Sham Payne sounds like a clever name, but I think I need to be rich and famous before I can don a child with such a character building name.  Nope, I'll have to stick with naming a boy "Sue" before I could go with Sham.

Other names that wouldn't work were all of the AIN classification of names like Shane, Jane, Duane, Wayne.... and a select other few like Royal (I knew two Royals growing up) and Richard just because of the common nickname Richard leads to; no, not Rich(ie) or Rick(y), the OTHER one. 

I'm sure there are many more names that simply don't work with Payne.

I also run into a HUGE problem picking up prescriptions from smart ass pharmacy interns and techs.  Imagine walking into the pharmacy and saying to the person at the counter "I'm here to pick up a prescription for Payne."  After staring at me glassy eyed for a bit, they'll say something like "which one?" or "what's the patients last name."  Sometimes they even smile when they say it.  Like they're so freakin' original!!!

So anyway, Muckenfuss, Quattlebaum and Finkbine.  THESE are funny sounding names, but they aren't really that limiting, are they?  If you are born with one of those names, you are almost guaranteed a future as a doctor or a lawyer.

Sure, you can really mess with Muckenfuss in one quite vulgar way, but that's all you've got going on with that one.  On a side note, Muckenfuss and Finkbine was the actual name of the oral surgery practice where I had my wisdom teeth removed as a kid.  Under the nitrous I apparently had as much of my was as I could with the name Muckenfuss.  All I could come up with for the other guy was "and youuu.... you buddy... well, you're a FINK!"  Probably followed up by a slurred "nyah nyah nya nyah nyahhhhh..."

I am still, to this date, amazed at how Fudrucker's stays in business. Sure there is really only one vulgar combo that you can come up with for their name, but, my God, they serve beer there.  EVERY CUSTOMER is messing with that name, especially the one's drinking the beer!

And I bet you, every last one of them thinks that they are being sooooooo original too.