Somewhere, not too far back in my blood line people from two different cultures got together and decided to be a family. A few generations down the line (and a few more cultures mixed in), I magically appeared in a potato patch ... You know what, my childhood had different stories than yours, so just accept it. And, oh yeah, cabbage SUCKS!
Just keep reading.
I come from some Irish and Italian lineage; peoples rich in histories that focus on two different things: Alcohol and Carbs. Maybe there are some other things involved in these cultures, but Alcohol and Carbs are all I can come up with right now.
Anyway, I'm addicted to one of those and I cannot beat this monkey with either a tuber or a bucatini! Lets face it, a tuber to the head may hurt but uncooked bucatini in the eye can blind you!
However, tubers are not my focus here, even though people can make vodka out of them; yippee! In my defense, Alcohol can be pretty high in carbs, so I'm pretty much covered with the carb issue alone. I realize I wasn't really defending anything, but I liked starting the sentence that way and by God this is where I want that sentence to be!
I am just a man who needs a fix.... I can handle a long line of a Bevette or a Vermicelli or a small cut of Farfalle or Tortiglioni or even some tiny Quadretti or Tempestine. Whatever, I JUST NEED A FEW OUNCES MAN!!!!
It's almost a religion for me. I could sacrifice a bale of Capellini to anyone as long as me ingesting said sacrifice is an option. And make sure we've got a loaf of bread and some butter to go with all the sacrificin' going on tonight!
Now, I may need to research some of this but here is how I understand it:
We had a pasta-saviour, who back in twelve or thirteen something, while inventing a game to be played in swimming pools yelling out his own name, accidentally bumped into a China-man (presumably in the pool giggling) who implied "you know that lasagna stuff you fancy pants Italians like so much? Cut it up and go nuts with it. Add some variety to your life!" Then he took a hit off his opium pipe and said "call meeeee."
Marco simply got out of the pool at that point.
So noodles became the "in thing" back in Italy; originally, just at swinging pool parties. And pasta makers became big at all the local food courts.
After the pasta was made then spices and oils were added for flavoring. Looking for variety, some sicko actually added veggies to the mix and then the Olive Garden was invented and trademarked "Primavera," (citation needed). Luckily cheese was added too; "blessed are the cheese makers."
Many, many years later, in the late 16th century, some Spanish guy came back from "The New World" (a remarkably unexpected road block to India) with the recently discovered tomato and suggested to my ancestors "maybe you should try adding the spices and oils to some crushed up stewed tomatoes and making more of a sauce to put on your pasta as opposed to all that vegetable crap!" I'm sure he had a sexy accent.
I'd be willing to bet that same Spanish guys descendants later trademarked "Lycopene" and retired happily ever after, convincing everyone that their "veggie-free fruit-sauce," even though it was veggie free, was good for them because TOMATOES ARE A DAMNED FRUIT!!!!
Then the Texans came along and added every farm animal they could think of to the sauce.
So yeah, the pasta is soooooooooo much of what I want out of life, and the more animals in the fruit sauce the better!
But I have to cut it out. I have to find some way to get rid of my need for the noodley goodness that is starting to eat away at my body. And by "eat away at my body" I mean GREATLY INCREASING THE SIZE OF MY BODY!
It's like somewhere around 35 years old, one night whilst sleeping in bed, presumably after a nice dinner of pasta and bread sticks, with potato vodka tonics followed by a bread pudding sunday, my metabolism just said "ENOUGH!!! I'M MOVING OUT ... NOW!" And with a thrashing BWOM-like sound, I gained 50 pounds in one night.
I simply cannot keep up with the carbs. Must .... quit .... CARBS!!!!
I can try the sauce without the pasta, which is simple enough, I just sop it up with some bread and .... oh...
But I want steak, and I know where to get some; mmmmmm, with fettuccine Alfredo on the side.... ohhhhhh...
And I want Chicken .... mmmmm breaded with some spaghetti and mozzarella and some fruit sauce..... Ohhhhhh YEAHHHHH.....
or, I guess I could just have some ham... WITH MACARONI AND CHEESE!!!!!
DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!
Okay, I will try to eat more vegetables.
Surely, potatoes haven't got much carbs?
No, I'm not in denial, they're vegetables, right?
They have to be.
I see vegans eating them all the time....
LOVE :)
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