Love Letter to a Twerp

I found this file on my computer today.  

I had completely forgotten that I had written this to a co-worker after having worked together for only 9 months.  Wow.  I was obviously un-pleased with him. But I am oh so proud of my writing!

Please keep in mind as you read this, that yes, we were friends (and still may be having not spoken in a few years) and yes, he wrote something similar to me but mine was WAY BETTER!!!

May 16, 2007

Dear "You,"

    You suck. . . I do not mean this in a metaphysical way, or even a homo-erotic/ sexual way.  I certainly do not mean that you do in fact compel anything or anyone to approach you.

     It is more that you suck as much as a black hole that devours everything in existence around it including any sense of joy, reason, logic, respect, pleasantries, and all general socially accepted activities, mannerisms and niceties.  It then basically corrupts these and excretes them from some unknown end into a state of limbo never to be enjoyed again.

    It is much too clear that you have designed the world around you to reflect such a disdain for all there is to cherish.  Being that you have been successful existing within such an environment as you desire, I commend you.  "Well done" as it were.

    With that said, your fascination with fecal matter, flatulence, various forms of contempt and misery including the “screaming and whining” from the other side of that sarcophagus you call an office brings to the forefront the idea that what you truly need is a hug.  Not from me mind you . . . in fact if you try, I will promptly relocate your testicles from nether to within, making them dangle from your ear-lobes like a Peruvian Headpiece!

     I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog.

     You are a pain in my side! I am not referring to a cramp one may receive while jogging (that’s a form of exercise you ubiquitous dolt)! I am not even referring to a pain so gentle as to be given by the compassionate hands of Longinus!

     No, you sir are much more like a small city that is growing as though it were a cancer. Urban sprawl gushing from within and vomiting itself in virgin terrain spreading pollution, sewage and trendy little café’s all about mucking up a perfectly good side of my body! From within this growth, pains radiate through my skull at the mere mention of your concerns as if they were a visit from one of those kids who stop by right when you’re sitting down for dinner to see if you will purchase a magazine subscription so that they may attend college. Oh yeah, like any school that promotes it’s curriculum before it promotes its’ dining hall menu is going to be pleased with your application!

     Your misery and inner monologue of utter disgust would be cause for even Yoda to collapse in tears and wish for flowers to arrange for the mere opportunity to find “a place happy.”

     My only hope is that you get a paper cut from this very note which causes you great annoyance and brings you to such a low state that you attempt to remove your head with this very same paper cutting letter that has given me so much joy to write.  You will fail at your paper cut decapitation as you have failed at not being a social pariah!  And I pray that your pending failure may humble you greatly!

     Good day to you sir... I. said. good. DAY!

"Me."

So, yeah... apparently that's what I sounded like "angry" a little less than 6 years ago. 

Don't cross me.  'Cuz, given time to carefully think about my response, I might just put you in your place!!!  Or at the very least, a place.