So, I just kind of fell off the map during "The Holidays." I'm not certain how to explain it without sounding whiny, but I must say, I'm now feeling full of stuff to say.
Christmas is what we celebrate in my family. I'm not any sort of scholar of any religious belief and I am certainly not going to try to be one now. Of course, it is encompassed with a religious overtone and I stick to the more modern day Pseudo-Christian evolution of this seasonal celebration. Many friends of mine celebrate Hanukkah (any way you spell it) so I am somewhat familiar with that though extremely ignorant.
For the sake of this blog, I will discuss the "Holiday" in line with what Christmas has become for me. Again, I may be whiny as I am not certain where I am going with this this early on in today's post; sorry.
"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child....." It was wonderful!
As a kid, Christmas was the pivotal day of the year. However, contrary to that statement, it wasn't a particular day for my family. Sure, it was "December 25th" for us as it was for anyone, but outside of any religious significance, it was just a day.
Dad was in the Navy and often away under the waves for long periods. Our family celebration of Christmas typically happened whenever his boat returned to port which was never on time. Sometimes, we didn't celebrate Christmas until January. So, the holiday season became a time for us to share with our family. Of course, that's what it is supposed to be about for everyone, a time for family. That's just my version of how I learned that. It was not so much for the day (again outside of any religious expectation) but more of a season often spent waiting for Dad to come home.
Now, there is absolutely no denying that I started looking forward to December 25th each year moments after I opened my last present on whatever day we celebrated Christmas. I can remember digging into a Lego set some time in the 80's thinking "next year I'll have enough to rule the world!!!" or something like that. It is just a common part of Kid-dom... PRESENTS!!!!
I do like how parents can tell you "remember the reason for the season" in the weeks leading up to Christmas, but a few months before that they also say, "Remember, Santa is watching!!!" These both kind of cancel each other out in the whole "what is Christmas all about" dilemma society has with Christmas. So as a kid, you rule out all of the politics and controversy and IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PRESENTS!!!!
I didn't get a lot each Christmas, but I got enough to be grateful. As a child, I don't think I truly appreciated our one day of gift giving (GETTING) and our family time that we shared; I did not know how good I had it.
As an adult, I look back at that time together and think "Thank You!"
"But when I became a man, I put away childish things." I had to.
Growing up was forced upon me and at times, I honestly resent it even though it came later in life.
Christmas 1987 was the first "difficult" Christmas I can recall. I was a bag boy at a grocery store, living at home with my folks and I could hardly wait for the next August knowing I would be moving away for college or whatever!
Christmas Eve was spent working in the grocery store. We closed early but before we could leave we had to clean up and stock the shelves. However, my routine was disrupted when my siblings came knocking on the store front and spoke to my manager. I had to leave urgently.
Dad was in an ICU... something about his heart.
I don't recall every detail, but it was during those hours that I started thinking as an adult about Christmas. It dawned on me that I wanted to be with my family, moving away wasn't such a necessity and "Oh God, please don't take Dad on Christmas!"
It turned out to be not so bad. As I recall, he spent a night or two in the hospital and was home either Christmas Day or the next. I'm surprised I don't remember more. I moved away the following August.
Throughout college, I celebrated the holidays with friends and classmates. They became an extended family, but I was always back with my family at Mom and Dad's for Christmas.
1993 was a rough Christmas but only because of real life. I was out of school and had a job. I worked until Midnight on Christmas Eve televising a church service. I would continue to do this for the next 12 years of my life. In fact, that Christmas Eve Church service eventually became part of my personal Christmas Holiday. I looked forward to it. I also looked forward to the overly indulgent Christmas Eve Dinner my co-workers and I would have from McDonald's each year. These are great memories!
So, December 25 1993, I went to bed at 1 am. I got up around 6 am and drove a friend of mine to his family's house 2.5 hours Southeast from where I live. I dropped him off by 10 and drove the 1.5 hours north from his place to my folks house. I was home for about 5 hours when I drove the 2 hours west back to my apartment and returned to work by 10 that night. This was my life. It was worth it. It was Christmas!
1994 hurt. I left my job right after our church service and drove to my folks. I actually ended up staying with a relative in his newly built home. It was nice. We woke up that morning very early to the phone call stating that my Grandmother had just died. On Christmas? We spent most of our Christmases with her and my Grandfather. We usually travelled to their house in Florida for Christmas but now that she had become ill, they had moved up to live near my folks.
I could not imagine Christmas being such a joy ever again. It was.
Within a year I had met someone and my life would be forever changed (good and bad of course). So from 1995 to 2005 I had my routine... Christmas Eve Church Broadcast (McDonald's Dinner)... Christmas morning with her family (as they lived in town) and either Christmas night or the day after at my folks. It was wonderful.
In 2004 it became the most wonderful time of my life as that was the first Christmas with my daughter and with a complete family of my own. I did not think life could get any better.
I was right.
2005 was still a wonderful Christmas and at this point in my life, it was the last complete Christmas I ever had. Sometimes, I wish I had known in advance that it was going to be the last one I'd spend with my Dad.
There was a parallel I have thought of about me and Dad: it was not "Christmas" until he got home. Then I was the only one to move away. Ever since, Mom has held out Christmas until I got home.
Christmas 2006 was when it truly hit me that Dad was gone. He had been gone for 9 months by the time the holiday rolled around but it was nothing without him. It was empty. My God, Mom lost HER MOM on Christmas day and there I was moping about losing Dad 9 months earlier. It was painful. I was depressed; the whole family was.
2007 had potential, but something in my own home was wrong and I didn't know what. It was an uncomfortable Christmas. My wife had spent more on my Christmas gifts than anyone ever had before in my life and it just got to the point of feeling awkward. We separated just before Christmas 2008.
Since then, Christmas has become a painful few weeks. Who am I to mope, I know I still have it better than a majority of the world but it is no longer what I was trained to believe in. It is supposed to be a time for family, but my family has split. I spend the holiday either alone waiting for my child to come home or I spend it with her knowing how let down I am going to be when she has to leave.
But it is still a beautiful time. It is still an incredible season to try to believe in. We find a way to enjoy some of it. I don't need presents. I want nothing that can be wrapped. I appreciate anything I received of course, but that is no longer the point.
For me, it has become a season of wishing for peace. I always thought that the whole "Peace on Earth" thing was to stop war but I now I think it is a time to find an inner peace among all of us. Sure there is a religious aspect to it all and we all want to be with family, but you cannot always be with family. And as you lose family, you have to find a way to cherish them during this season.
It is a time that I have to make myself be grateful for what I have and who I have in my life. It is tough.
Granted for my child, it is a dream of loot! Unfortunately she is not going to grow up with the stable family tradition I grew up with. Fortunately for her (I guess) she doesn't seem to know the difference.
This year alone, she had a night at my house before Christmas opening gifts with the children of a lady-friend of mine (mrrrowwwrrr). Then a few days later she had a gift opening with her step-family out of state. On Christmas Day she opened gifts in three different houses with her Mom. The day after she had Christmas with me and some family at my house and then again the next day at My Moms.
Yes, she knows that there is a strong "Religious" purpose for the season, and she is often sad about growing up in two houses, especially during the holidays, but let's face it... PRESENTS!!!!
It was not lost on her that she had seven different places or times to open gifts. Coincidentally, she honestly asked me why we don't celebrate the 9 days of Hanukkah.
Yeah, I think she's planning something...
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