CRUSH THE FRIENDS HEAD!!!!
Now now now, don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you to harm the child or even make contact with the child. No no no, I am telling you to close one eye, look at the kid with your open squinty eye and use your thumb and forefinger, from whichever hand you choose, to simulate pinching their heads off via your perspective and their distance from you.
DO NOT ACTUALLY PINCH OFF THE CHILDS' HEAD!!!
See, for those of you not in the know, there was this great bunch of Canadians out there who called themselves "The Kids in the Hall." They had some brilliant comedy sketches back in the day. One of them was this:
You can also thumb out their faces so you don't see them or you can put up four fingers and lock the kids in jail! It's so much fun to do this!
So, there I was, standing in the hall at my daughter's school, waiting for lunch. Some kid approached me in the hall. "Kids in the Hall" I thought to myself! "I will crush his head!" And so, I did.
Well, he ate it up! Shortly thereafter, my child came out in the hall and the previously head crushed boy showed her what I had taught him. She ate it up and gave me the BIGGEST HUG! I'm sure she was totally thinking "My Dad is SOOOOOO cool what with how he makes my friends laugh by crushing their heads!" She and I went off and had lunch and I thought nothing of it.
A few days went by and I was driving down the street in my neighborhood and there was the boy, off to the side of the road, crushing my head as I drove by! OH IT WAS ON!!!! I pulled over and I "thumbed out his face" and said "I CAN'T SEE YOU!!! YOU'RE NOT THERE!!!" and then I held up four fingers and said "NOW YOU'RE IN JAIL." Oh we laughed so and my daughter, in the back seat, was having a giggle frenzy.
Such happy, happy times!
The next week, I went back to school for lunch and the boy started crushing my head again. And so did all of the other kids in the hall. Oh it was a joyful head crushing onslaught of happiness! I had given these kids the gift of head crushing!!!
This went on each and every time I visited the school. Oh what fun! But then, I got a dirty look from a teacher. She said nothing, just a look. But we all know that look. This particular teacher is probably a good 20 years younger than me, but that look she gave me almost brought me to tears. Instinctively I found myself thinking "Oh God, please don't make me bring a note home for my Mom to sign!!!" It was that severe of a look.
Then it dawned on me, I only experience this every once in a while. The teachers are seeing this every day and the head crushing movement seems to be growing.
I have to put a stop to this.
But, it won't stop. I can't get within 50 yards of the school without someone crushing my head through a window. I went to mass a few weeks ago and a kid started crushing my head from one pew over.
Heck, look at this YouTube page.. IT NEVER ENDS!!!
WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!?!?
The kids still love it. They all do it like little mindless zombies. They filter out of their classrooms on their way to lunch as if they are staring in a Pink Floyd music video about bricks. In my peripheral, I can see them, lumbering from side to side as they alter foot to foot... with no expression on their faces... their right thumbs and forefingers poised delicately in front of a squinted eye as they all crush my head...
The teachers all just give me a tolerating look that says "I know you didn't realize what you were doing, but now do you see what you've done? Do you? DO YOU?!?!?!"
There's one father who has completely stopped talking to me. I can only assume he is tired of having his head crushed at all hours of the day.
It's awful I tell you.
I did not know what power head crushing could have over the kids. It really was an awful amount of fun... in the beginning... but now, I fear we are doomed as a race.
I'm sorry.
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